Posts tagged as:

kids

Eating Like A 2 Year Old

by Monique on August 25, 2008


I am sure that from the pictures I have posted you can not tell, but I have big boobs. In fact, they are too big. I often dream of having breast reduction surgery, but I made the mistake of watching it done and so I am forever traumatized with the images of what I saw. It wasn’t pretty.

My mom had it done… she looks amazing now and she says it worked out well for her. But, the moment I even begin considering it I instantly get flashbacks of the documentary. I wonder if they provide counseling for these kinds of issues. Well this one and my many others.

Anyway, the reason I am back considering it is because it is damn near impossible for me to even have a meal these days without half of it ending up on my chest or lost somewhere in my massive cleavage. It’s pretty damn annoying.

Drinking anything from a fast-food cup requires some kind of secret yoga/Kama Sutra move. I have to make sure to hold the cup high enough but avoid tilting it because tilting always leads to spillage, which never looks good when I am in public. And I never spill a little. It’s always some long stream of sticky whateverness running down and over the mounds.

Crumbs are also fun. They fall and land right there. They don’t drop to my pants or the floor. Nope, that would be too much to ask for. And whenever I am out, whoever I am with has the distinct pleasure of pointing out everything I have missed while trying to brush it off. Of course, there is also a science behind how to brush since the items are not falling straight down. I have to put a little force behind it to give the crumbs some momentum for the trip. Sometimes I have to do this crazy rubbing motion which can look really bad if seen by the wrong person. Hell, it can look bad even if seen by the right person.

A friend of the crumbs would have to be the sauces. Ketchup especially loves to leap out of food and directly onto my chest area. It must know it is damn near impossible to remove while out and about so I get to either: a) leave it there on display or b) create some massive wet spot so it looks like I had a mishap while breastfeeding.

My cleavage likes to engulf things too. Nothing is more fun than removing my bra at the end of a long day and going “oh, there’s that piece of popcorn!”

I honestly don’t get why women get huge implants. Seriously, it’s annoying having these things. Granted, in my youth it was sexy but after 27 they turned into nothing but mountains of trouble.

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Is Anybody There?

by Monique on February 18, 2008


Not too long ago, I was pretty sure I heard a voice talking to me deep in the back of my mind. It was a nagging voice, and kind of making me crazy. I soon realized it was my biological clock.

Talk about annoying.

It led to me walk around moping and acting like a damn fool, oohing and ahhing when I saw anything from a cute baby to a poodle running down the street. I cried at silly commercials, and had dreams of how I’d decorate my new nursery. I even found myself smiling and waving at the spoiled children who come into the post office.

What was wrong with me?

Well, I’m happy to say I am cured now. I spent a full day with someone else’s children and yeah… my biological clock must have broke or went on strike. It’s pretty special eye opening having a screaming child that isn’t your own running around pissing you off. And you know what? I’m not very patient with other people’s children. Two minutes of coloring really made me want to run outside and drown myself in a puddle of water. By the end of the day I was so eager to get home to my own family, and that desire to expand it was long gone. I felt so very relieved.

Don’t get my wrong, the girls were adorable. I have pictures to prove it. And they were friendly and sweet. And oh so cuddly. And they spoke in that soft little girl voice. Awwww. But no. Even with all that, the desire is gone. They killed it. Took it down a back alley somewhere and kicked the shit out of it.

So, the moral of the story is never listen to your biological clock. I know I won’t ever again.

Well, I hope I won’t.

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Kids.

by Monique on January 26, 2008


I was just at the mall, and everywhere I turned there were those kids with the roller skate shoes.

I hate those shoes.

And why, as a parent would you purchase those things for your kid only to have him ride around in a mall, sliding and bumping into everyone and everything? Most kids cant even walk in them… they have to do this kind of tippy-toe prancing thing which looks absolutely ridiculous.

The most annoying thing about it all is how they have to push themselves off of things to get movement. Oh how I would love to trip one of them.

And oh… if you happen to have kids, and you brought some roller skate shoes for your child, please take note as to how obnoxious the whole rollerskating indoor thing can be.

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