food

I am sure that from the pictures I have posted you can not tell, but I have big boobs. In fact, they are too big. I often dream of having breast reduction surgery, but I made the mistake of watching it done and so I am forever traumatized with the images of what I saw. It wasn’t pretty.

My mom had it done… she looks amazing now and she says it worked out well for her. But, the moment I even begin considering it I instantly get flashbacks of the documentary. I wonder if they provide counseling for these kinds of issues. Well this one and my many others.

Anyway, the reason I am back considering it is because it is damn near impossible for me to even have a meal these days without half of it ending up on my chest or lost somewhere in my massive cleavage. It’s pretty damn annoying.

Drinking anything from a fast-food cup requires some kind of secret yoga/Kama Sutra move. I have to make sure to hold the cup high enough but avoid tilting it because tilting always leads to spillage, which never looks good when I am in public. And I never spill a little. It’s always some long stream of sticky whateverness running down and over the mounds.

Crumbs are also fun. They fall and land right there. They don’t drop to my pants or the floor. Nope, that would be too much to ask for. And whenever I am out, whoever I am with has the distinct pleasure of pointing out everything I have missed while trying to brush it off. Of course, there is also a science behind how to brush since the items are not falling straight down. I have to put a little force behind it to give the crumbs some momentum for the trip. Sometimes I have to do this crazy rubbing motion which can look really bad if seen by the wrong person. Hell, it can look bad even if seen by the right person.

A friend of the crumbs would have to be the sauces. Ketchup especially loves to leap out of food and directly onto my chest area. It must know it is damn near impossible to remove while out and about so I get to either: a) leave it there on display or b) create some massive wet spot so it looks like I had a mishap while breastfeeding.

My cleavage likes to engulf things too. Nothing is more fun than removing my bra at the end of a long day and going “oh, there’s that piece of popcorn!”

I honestly don’t get why women get huge implants. Seriously, it’s annoying having these things. Granted, in my youth it was sexy but after 27 they turned into nothing but mountains of trouble.

There was a time in my life where I was what some would call a vegetarian. I did not eat any red meat or pork. The chicken was a very rare sight on my plate, but I did eat fish. At the time I was living in the midwest and the big thing there was fish. Every Friday there was a fish fry somewhere…

Anyway, my journey to my beef-free life began after watching a documentary about the beef industry. They showed me a little too much, including how the cows died etc, and it was really traumatizing to me. I mean, seriously. I cried like a big idiot.. and then my husband came home and I declared that I was no longer going to eat anything that caused harm to an animal.

Cows Are My Friends

I lived the life fairly well all while still cooking beef and such for my husband. I never tried to force my beliefs down his throat and I am sure he really appreciated that. Every now and then he’d have a burger and I would ask for a bite, and then regret it and vow to never do it again.

I had made a promise to myself that I would not become one of those frantic vegetarians who threw myself on the ground when I discovered that I might have eaten some beans cooked in bacon grease.¹ In fact, I took pleasure in laughing at those types of people whenever I saw them on TV having fits over it.

Cows Are Yummy

Fast forward three years. It was late December and my DH’s company was going to have its annual Christmas party at Brett Favre’s Steakhouse. I was very excited about it because well, I thought maybe I could meet Brett Favre.² They had sent us some forms to fill out in regards to what we wanted to eat. I could pick from chicken, shrimp or steak. They were offering us some top quality prime rib so I said what the hell, I’ll get that.

My DH was quite worried about my choice and up until they brought us the food kept asking me if I was sure about my decision. I kept telling him I was fine… I would be fine. Just fine. Really fine.

The prime rib was delicious. Oh my god. Every bite was like some yummy goodness that words can’t even describe. Everyone made jokes about it³ and checked on me frequently to make sure that I wasn’t going to regret my choice. I really thought everyone had gone insane, because remember, I was never going to be one of those crazy people.

After we all done we exchanged hugs and headed out, chatting and laughing as we got into our cars.

Sane Girl Go Boom

As we were driving down the highway headed towards home, I was still laughing and chatting with my DH… and then it happened. I suddenly, without rhyme or reason, burst into tears. I became some frantic mess of nerves. Naturally my DH was wondering what the hell was my problem and I wasn’t revealing too much about the exact cause of my breakdown.

And then out of no where, I began screaming,  “I murdered
the
cows!!! I
murdered the cows!!!!!
It’s my
fault they are
now dead!! “I murdered the cows!!! I murdered the cows!!!!! It’s my fault they are now dead!! Holy fuck, I am a MURDERER!!!!!”

Because my DH was a smart man, he figured he should not be driving down an interstate with his wife acting like a deranged lunatic so he pulled over to the shoulder. He calmed me down as best as he could⁴ and then drive us home.

I got home and threw up over and over and over. I wanted no parts of that poor cow left in me. And then to punish myself, I fasted for three days.

After I fasted, I sat down to eat a nice salad when it dawned on me that I had finally gone over the deep end. I had broken the one promise I had made to myself, and that wasn’t going to work for me.

I’ve been eating meat ever since.

1. I saw a girl on the Real World cry for days when she ate some green beans with bacon bits in it [↩]
2. He is a sexy man, imo [↩]
3. actually the jokes were about me [↩]
4. although I am sure what he really wanted to do was punch me in the face [↩]