I need to lose some weight… Actually, no I don’t. I want to lose some weight.
In December I turn the big 3-5 (GO CAPRICORNS!) and I have decided that I want to be some sexy hot mama (not that I’m not one now) in a skanky designer dress meant for a 18 year old so I can embarrass my family and friends. Sounds good right?
There’s only one problem though. I just can’t lose the weight.
I don’t step on scales or anything like that because it’s pointless. I just know that when I get to the size I want to be I will fit into the outfit I am drooling over.
I have always believed that I needed a mean trainer who will scream at me and make me feel like utter shit. I do well with anger because it triggers this ’screw you’ mentality within me. That leads to me crying and getting very mad and then going overboard to prove that I can do it. This would only work with a trainer though because they would have my hard earned money and knowing I paid some jackass to make me angry would just piss me off more so then I would have to work harder to get my money’s worth.
Just thinking about that makes me tired.
The truth of the matter is that I shouldn’t need to lose weight. I barely eat anything as is and when I do eat, it takes me an eternity to get through it. A salad from Wendy’s takes me over an hour to eat, and that’s no joke. I have to be the slowest eater on the planet. The last time I completed a meal while it was still hot has to be over 20 years ago.
My doctor’s say that the years I spent torturing my body have contributed to my metabolism absolutely not functioning which has resulted in me being overweight. In order to repair myself, or even to start the repair process, I have to eat 5-7 small meals a day. HA! I can barely tolerate two… I can’t see myself doing FIVE let alone seven.
I tried Weight Watcher’s and that worked nicely for a while. I was losing weight like a good girl, but then my laziness kicked in and I stopped going to meetings. I will confess most of my weight loss came from absolute starvation, which really didn’t feel like I was starving since I wasn’t hungry. That really worries me sometimes because I feel like my old anorexia habits are kicking in and that’s a path I don’t want to go down ever again.
So, I have now come to the conclusion that I will DIE before I ever reach my IT weight… but I think that’s ok. Maybe I can use that designer dress as a scarf.
