by Monique on October 24, 2008
I think I am officially starting to feel better. I am back to laughing and not crying. In fact, I haven’t cried in over 24 hours which is good… unless I am just dehydrated and used up my tear supply.
Two nights in a row I have gotten more than 2 hours of sleep which is definitely helping me, a lot.
However, my dreams are becoming very strange.
My dream last night introduced me to a new relative. I was in my way too large house cleaning up after my non existent children preparing for a night out with my super studly husband when the phone rang. A voice from the other end said, “Hello cousin” and I instantly knew who it was. We spoke for a while, and she asked me to send her some Mary Kay because she liked the colors I was wearing in the photos she had seen. I didn’t know here name so I kept calling her “t.A.T.u girl”.
And even though she didn’t mind being called t.A.T.u. girl I finally asked her what her real name was. I couldn’t understand her so I scribbled down some jibberish.
Apparently, my long lost cousin was one of the females from the group t.A.T.u. She was calling me from the UK because we had reconnected on Facebook. Her part of the conversation flowed like a breeze whereas I felt totally out of place and awkward.
All my attempts to get her off the phone failed… she just kept talking and talking. I even got on my flying mount and tried to fly out of phone range. It failed.
Finally she needed to go check on her child and I used that opportunity to say good bye and promised to talk to her later… much much later.
I woke up cranky as hell. It all seemed so real I had to check my caller ID to make sure it was indeed just a dream.
Now really…. of all the people I could have dreamed of being related to it had to be someone from a group I don’t even listen to? I couldn’t have gotten a call from Mariah Carey? …well no, that wouldn’t have been good cause I can not stand that woman. Oprah? She’s too busy to call lost cousins on Facebook. Janet Jackson would have been nice… Angelina Jolie! Ok.. clearly, almost anyone else would have been better.
Anyone else having whacky dreams lately, or am I just eating too many Pop Rocks?
by Monique on October 22, 2008
I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and take a look at myself in the mirror. It wasn’t a pretty sight, so I decided to take a shower. It’s been about 2 days since I have had one of those. It really isn’t like me to mope around as if the world is ending. But yet here I am still struggling for a breath.
This cold isn’t helping me much either… It’s clear I am going to need something stronger than Nyquil to give me the rest I need. My nights are filled with endless dreams that never reach a conclusion.
I feel utterly raw now… as if I were 15 again trying to understand what my purpose in life is. I guess the timing for this is right with my anniversary approaching, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don’t feel very grateful now… and not in a way that I don’t feel fortunate for the life I have… but because I feel those around me deserve much more than I am capable of giving.
I have been fighting with myself for constantly giving into these feelings of worthlessness… for feeling so broken. And then I get angry when I realize that all I want…. actually…. all I need is to know why.
So much of the things that have happened to me I have always vocalized and faced head on. I am not ashamed of the mistakes I have made or the paths I have taken, but there are parts of it that have no closure. I never had a chance to wrap it all up in a box with a pretty bow and to be quit honest, none of that has ever bothered me until recently.
My relationship with my father, as I have said before, was never a good one. Over the years it never really bothered me… it was what it was. But I guess the whole pandora’s box was opened when my mother wrote me asking what she had done… As if she had done anything.
I appreciated the responses the other day so much. They helped me in ways I never imagined and I now know I need to do something to make it right. My DH suggests I simply ignore my father and carry on like everything is normal. Yeah, like that’s so easy.
It would be a start though. And right now, anything is better than this.
I’m going to make my next step towards improvement and actually comb my hair. It’s been about a week since I’ve done that.
On a good note though, I got myself some pop rocks, and it’s really hard to stay down with those evil things popping off in my mouth.
by Monique on October 19, 2008
Yeah. I made up the word.
However it definitely reflects how I am feeling right now.
I finally came out of my slump, and now I am feeling all floaty and stupid. Everything still has me wanting to cry at the drop of a hat and fall on the floor kicking, but for the most part I am doing well… emotionally.
I have a lot to write about it, but I am sick! Yes… I came to surface smiling and 99% whole only to get some rancid cold where my throat hurts like someone is doing surgery on it while I am wide awake. On top of that my eyes hurt, I am throwing up, and my brain has added a drum line without consulting me first. The constant pounding is pissing me off royally, and tylenol isn’t helping much.
I’m crawling back into bed for now since my eyes are not cooperating by staying open.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you all. You guys are the best.
