Here I am… the one who has been MIA for months and months.
I am actually quite alive and doing well. Life for me has been a hectic mess of hecticness. It’s chaos, with wheels, a whip and some blue haired old lady driving the tour bus. But I am loving it.
I have not been away from my blog because I have nothing to say or share. I actually have shitloads of things to say, show, share, express…. but I just have been avoiding the site like it was covered in green puss or something.
I spent a bit of time asking myself wtf was my problem because I have ALWAYS loved this blog. It has allowed me to meet some of the MOST AMAZING women on the planet. I have been so blessed by those friendships – most of whom still talk to me even though I suck ass as a blogger these days. And omg, I still get people who lurk here even though I clearly disappoint my readers for not updating anything on a regular basis. But yet, I still get comments and emails when I do post something. People still send me messages to see if I am ok. How rude of me to turn my back on all of them, all of you…. hell, on myself and something I once considered a passion.
So why have I been so neglectful? To be honest, it’s fear.
I launched my first business a few years ago and one of the things that was always in the back of my mind was the image I was putting forth. I shrugged most of it off because those who know me, know I really don’t care what people think of me. I am who I am. It was a business where I wasn’t in the public eye and customers really would never know who I was.
Then I went full throttle with my photography and people started to know who I was. I was getting friend requests on facebook. People were following me on Twitter. Things were no longer just about me… it became so much more.
This place where I would vent and say whatever was on my mind became a place where I felt as though I had to sugar coat my feelings. I could no longer just rant about how pissed off I was because I was worried about how it would come across to strangers. Even TYPING that sounds ridiculous. When have I ever cared what someone thinks about what I do???
And then I realized it wasn’t even really about me but the people I worked with. How would my choices affect them? I now had to balance people in the workplace, sponsors, other businesses who trust my brand…. hell, I was even worried about what my parents would think.
Yeah. So where did all of that get me?
A real and true therapist bill because now I go and speak to one every week in order for me to have a sound mind.
But it’s been worth it because I now realize I am still me. I am a flawed human and anyone who judges me on that isn’t someone I want in my life anyway. And I do kickass photography and THAT is what I should be judged on.. not my constant use of the words shit and asshole or my obsession with dots ….. or the words and, so and but.
So the old Monique is back. Chaos and all.
I will honestly try and do my best to post SOMETHING weekly. I have a backlog of posts, including a mother’s day post I shelved at the last minute because… well… I will share that later. But even though it’s like a month late, I do have the best mother on the planet. And even though I know she questions her own choices and the decisions she has made and how I might be different, I am forever thankful for her. As she goes through her own changes, I hope that I can step up to the plate and be the amazing daughter she deserves.
And that’s that.
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