As I walked by a mirror the other day I caught a glimpse of myself and had to stop and look.

There wasn’t anything new, but it dawned on me that I don’t often LOOK at myself. Yeah, I check my face for pimples and frown lines… my mom is nearly 70 and flawless so of course I am trying to follow down that same path. I often check out my gray hairs and am still grateful they don’t freak me out.

I don’t know what it was that caught my eye but  I stopped and stared for about 5 minutes. And then I smiled.

I’m fat.

Like, fat fat. Fat.

Fat.

And while I am not OK with my weight, I am OK with myself.

I can honestly say I am happy in my skin. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with where I have come from. I am happy with where I am going.

Don’t get me wrong, there are indeed things I would like to see changed on my outside… who doesn’t. But overall if this is what I will be like for the next 50 years then that’s fine by me.

When I look around me and see young girls altering themselves to the point where they are barely recognized as their old selves it saddens me greatly. I was once there, starving myself in order to reach approval. Personally I would love to bottle up some of my own self esteem and send it to people like Heidi Montag. And yeah, I know sometimes people just want a different nose, or larger breasts, or sexy calves but a lot of times, the true issue is deep within and one surgery leads to two which leads to three.

A lot of people look at me and assume I am fat because I sit in my house and eat Twinkie’s all day. My own parents do it. They secretly think I park my car at Burger King and eat there all day.  But nothing could be farther from the truth. Out of everyone I know, I eat the least. Taking me to a buffet is a waste of money. I can’t go to dinner without leaving with a doggy bag.  I can’t even finish a 12 oz soda on my own.

They say my body is just pissed off due to years of abuse from me spending my youth being anorexic and then discovering food and then yo yo dieting. Now my metabolism is shot and I am insulin resistant. Go me!

Hopefully, they will figure out the right regimen and I will be able to look like what society deems as “right”. But until then, I am going to continue to walk proud with my head held high, loving myself for exactly who I am.

Just me.

For as long as I can remember, I have been collecting memories at Olive Garden. I really don’t want this to sound like an endorsement but I can’t help it, I love the place!

I used to think my friends and I chose to go there because the food was good, and while that’s true, we really go because we never fail to have an amazing time. I take my camera to ensure I get a keepsake of  time well spent. Even when it’s just two of us, we have a blast.

Last night I went with a group of 8 and without fail, it will go down in my memory’s  Hall of Fame. The staff was kind and friendly and even put up with our loud, obnoxious, silly behavior.

The waiter asked how we would be splitting up the bill and RoRo told him, it would be three of us, two girls and one guy. He looked a little baffled and she said, “yes, the three of us” while pointing at DH she continued  to say, “he is our husband.” The look on his  face was beyond priceless and it looked like he was about to pass out. He quickly composed himself and admitted that she had absolutely caught him off guard and that set the tone for the rest of the night.¹

By the end of the meal we had eaten way too much food and  laughed more than most people do in a week.

This was exactly what I needed after the ridiculous drama-fest involving the mystery gamer aka Joe. When I question whether friendships can last forever, it’s moments like these when I get my answer. One hundred percent yes.

I can’t wait until next time.

1. plus I now have a sister wife! who knew?!?!?

Over the course of my semi long life, I have met my fair share of people. It seems as though a lot of them come and go with the wind. Some of them I became close to but if you were to ask me today what their names are, I couldn’t even tell you.

As I have gotten older I have become a lot more selective about who I am “friends” with. Honestly I am selective about who I am acquaintances with as well. I’m too old for petty BS and drama. But even with those extra security measures in place it seems as though I still can’t fend off those pyscho friends who say one thing and become another.

My current situation has me really confused… It’s a five year relationship that I thought was meaningful and sincere. Apparently, they don’t think so since a slight misunderstanding over a … wait for it…. video game has them now giving me the silent treatment. As I do soul searching I realize that if someone is going to hold a grudge and give me the silent treatment about something that doesn’t even deal with real life then how can they say I was ever their friend? To me all I can think is that it’s all been a lie.

I have made my attempts to settle things…. I have placed calls and sent emails and text messages and they are always too busy… too tired… too hurt to deal with the situation at hand. It’s now been a week and the excuses continue. Today they had an incident which they needed to deal with and so they could not discuss the matter with me but yet I turn my head and spot them casually interacting with people. So much for the big issue they needed to deal with. Why even lie about it? Why not just own up to it and say it’s over?

Maybe I am wrong but after all this time I feel as though I am owed an explanation. Not more lies… not more stories…. not more drama… the truth. Especially considering the time I have invested in the so-called friendship. Countless hours on the phone, listening, understanding, being there. But I guess none of that matters.

It’s amazing how easily people can throw away friendships. Especially those who cry that they have no one in their corner. No one understands them. They are so lonely. I now see why they have these problems. They fail at knowing exactly what it means to be a friend.

It’s ok though. I still take comfort in knowing that I do have some remaining friends¹ I can truly rely on. And even with my heart currently hurting and heavy I have not lost faith in knowing that yes, friendships can last forever.

1. thank you girls!! i would name names but I don’t want to embarrass anyone lol

So I am finally in the new house. It’s lovely, I am in love, I want to roll around on the floor night and day never leave.

However, I can’t. There are boxes upon boxes  upon boxes to unpack and I have about 5 days to make it all happen. We aren’t even completely moved out of the other house so that’s more stuff to be done.

I am not even going to complain though because all that matters is that I no longer live in that nightmare someone called a house. It seriously needs to be demolished but sadly, that con man landlord convinced someone else to move into it. I feel very sorry for those people… if only they knew.

Anyway, I must continue getting the house in order. My mom will be here on Monday and then I have about 2.5 weeks of  her and other company, dinner parties and friends to entertain.  I am exhausted, but so excited!!

While we are out enjoying the day, whether it be relaxing in the sun or shopping for amazing deals, let’s not forget what today is really about.

I have spent the last few weeks searching for a place to live, finding one, packing up my belongings and dealing with a crazed landlord who realizes he now will have a house that would be best demolished instead of re-rented.

Anyway, I won’t complain because I am elated to be moving… to be freeee from this nightmare.

So that’s what I am doing these days… packing up my house to move in the next week so I can unpack everything in a house about 5 miles away.

I must say, I hate packing. There needs to be a simpler way to move.

So I went to Neiman Marcus to give them some of my hard earned cash… I had rang up a bit of a tally and the girl says to me “Would you like to pay with your Neiman Marcus card, American Express, cash or credit??”  I reply, “with my visa” and she again repeats me her list and I say “…. visa.”

As we stand there staring at each other like wild animals, I repeat again in slow motion “vvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeessssaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh…”, to which she replies “We don’t accept that or mastercard.”

I guess I’ll head over to Macy’s or Sak’s.  What a dumb ass store.

…. so where are my posts?

They are tucked away in my brain waiting to be shared. Not to mention the endless photos I have as well.

I am so behind on everything!!!!!!!

I was just watching some old program off of my DVR and this commercial for Special K comes on where a mother and daughter are playing at a table. I’m all like “awwww” and then the phone rings and the mother stands up and finds herself stuck in the kiddie chair. Of course she gets a look of horror on her face and Special K quickly lets us know that she’s fat. So now I know, if my big butt can not easily get in and out of a chair designed for a 4 yr old, I need to immediately deprive myself of every bit of food except for Special K for 2 weeks and then I too can have the body of a toddler.

Assholes.

I am so annoyed with how difficult it is to get a good concert ticket these days.

I can not even formulate a sensible post to describe my level of frustration.

So for now, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr will have to work.