I had such a fun day today!!!

I am not a fan of birds whatsoever but I decided to suck it up and go to Parakeet Point at the NOLA aquarium. The birds are free roaming and land on your head, arm, back, ass…. you name it. I was beyond freaked out!!

The desk apparently is stingy, doesn’t have a lot of  storage space, whereas I need more storage space. The desk also is really tall, and wants me to put items high up but I am short as hell and would need a step stool to reach up there.  The desk is really crowded and likes to be in my face, I like wide open spaces where I have room to work. The desk likes to be junky, I like things to be neat. This desk has no boundaries and things are constantly falling off of it – since as I said – there is no storage space. Therapy has taught me that boundaries are a good thing and I need to start enforcing them.

So, as I was sitting here editing some pictures of pomegranates¹ – which is really all the desk and I do together these days – I realized with quite a heavy heart that it’s time for me to move on.  I am not sure how to break this to the desk…. I don’t want for a replacement to just show up one day and the desk to end up on the curb or something.  I was thinking maybe I could maybe start bringing in sections of the new one and let the desk figure out on its own what is  going down. Harsh I know, but I have never been good at break ups.

1. I absolutely love love love pomegranates. You were undoubtedly wondering wtf the picture was about I am sure so now you know

I just recently came back from yet another vacation. This time to the south Caribbean. Of course, being gone for 10+ days means that I have even more work waiting for me when I get back. But it’s all good. I am finally in a semi-good place and I don’t feel depression weighing me down as it once did.  I still have those bad days but over all, life is good.  I am just going to keep taking it one day at a time.

In 9 days I am off to visit the Big Apple.

I am rather excited, not because it’s a new place for me, but I am hoping it will be what I need to kick my own ass out of this depression.

I tell ya what, depression is really damn depressing. Just when I am feeling ok, something happens where I am like ugh.

Today I want to crawl back in bed and stay for the next 4 days.

And the part that sucks is that NOTHING IS WRONG!

I am not sad, mad, nothing………… just in some ridiculous funk that is sucking the life out of me at the most unexpected and unwanted moments.

Something else craptastic about being depressed? I have gained 15 pounds in the last 2 months.  Lovely.

But there is hope on the horizon. My therapist says I am getting better. She doesn’t want to put me on meds because I am a strong person¹. I doubt I would even take them if prescribed. I am not even trying to become a numbed out version of myself.

Sooooooooooooo, for now I shall go through the motions and use the days of the week as my symbolic medication.  Because I know that I am going to be just fine.

1. HA! to feel that way again would be awesome

So in moments when I feel super consumed by it, I play this lovely gem of a tune¹ and find myself smiling. Too bad I can’t have it auto play in my ear 24/7.

Believe in Yourself – and I can honestly say, I am more and more as the days pass.

1. it comes from this adorable little boy giving an inspirational speech about riding his bike

Here I am… the one who has been MIA for months and months.

I am actually quite alive and doing well. Life for me has been a hectic mess of hecticness. It’s chaos, with wheels, a whip and some blue haired old lady driving the tour bus. But I am loving it.

I have not been away from my blog because I have nothing to say or share. I actually have shitloads of things to say, show, share, express…. but I just have been avoiding the site like it was covered in green puss or something.

I spent a bit of time asking myself wtf was my problem because I have ALWAYS loved this blog. It has allowed me to meet some of the MOST AMAZING women on the planet.¹ I have been so blessed by those friendships – most of whom still talk to me even though I suck ass as a blogger these days.² And omg, I still get people who lurk here even though I clearly disappoint my readers for not updating anything on a regular basis. But yet, I still get comments and emails when I do post something. People still send me messages to see if I am ok. How rude of me to turn my back on all of them, all of you…. hell, on myself and something I once considered a passion.

So why have I been so neglectful? To be honest, it’s fear.

I launched my first business a few years ago and one of the things that was always in the back of my mind was the image I was putting forth. I shrugged most of it off because those who know me, know I really don’t care what people think of me. I am who I am. It was a business where I wasn’t in the public eye and customers really would never know who I was.

Then I went full throttle with my photography and people started to know who I was. I was getting friend requests on facebook. People were following me on Twitter. Things were no longer just about me… it became so much more.

This place where I would vent and say whatever was on my mind became a place where I felt as though I had to sugar coat my feelings. I could no longer just rant about how pissed off I was because I was worried about how it would come across to strangers. Even TYPING that sounds ridiculous. When have I ever cared what someone thinks about what I do???

And then I realized it wasn’t even really about me but the people I worked with. How would my choices affect them? I now had to balance people in the workplace, sponsors, other businesses who trust my brand…. hell, I was even worried about what my parents would think.

Yeah. So where did all of that get me?

A real and true therapist bill because now I go and speak to one every week in order for me to have a sound mind.

But it’s been worth it because I now realize I am still me. I am a flawed human and anyone who judges me on that isn’t someone I want in my life anyway. And I do kickass photography and THAT is what I should be judged on.. not my constant use of the words shit and asshole or my obsession with dots ….. or the words and, so and but.

So the old Monique is back. Chaos and all.

I will honestly try and do my best to post SOMETHING weekly. I have a backlog of posts, including a mother’s day post I shelved at the last minute because… well… I will share that later. But even though it’s like a month late, I do have the best mother on the planet. And even though I know she questions her own choices and the decisions she has made and how I might be different, I am forever thankful for her. As she goes through her own changes, I hope that I can step up to the plate and be the amazing daughter she deserves.

And that’s that.

1. Not to mention the endless amounts of free therapy I have gotten through bitching here and having sensible women tell me I am or will be ok.
2. and the past 2 years or however long it’s been since I did anything consistently here.

I’m sitting in the comfort of my bed, relaxing and watching Mob Wives. Who comes up with the ideas for this crap? I swear there is a person holding a cue card with their script on it.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I actually have a blog post sitting in the wings waiting to be revealed. Sadly I got sidetracked today and instead of fine tuning my post, I was out geocaching and shopping and eating.

Oh well! I need to have a life right?

The Mob Wives just went off and now Audrina us on. Did this chick really need her own show? Really? And seriously her mom needs a damn intervention or something. Who thinks of this mess??? And why don’t I have my own TV show?

Ok I’m going to catch some Zzzz’s so I can be rested for tomorrow.

Good night world!

So yeah. I got an app on my phone that let’s me blog while I am away from my computer. How awesome is that?!?!? I wonder how many typos I can have in one post between the auto correcting and my fingers hitting the wrong keys. This should definitely be interesting but if I can find extra moments to blog then it’s so very worth it.