I’m Going To Diet…

• Author: Monique
• Filed under: personal
• Date: Mar 29,2008

I need to lose some weight… Actually, no I don’t. I want to lose some weight.

In December I turn the big 3-5 (GO CAPRICORNS!) and I have decided that I want to be some sexy hot mama (not that I’m not one now) in a skanky designer dress meant for a 18 year old so I can embarrass my family and friends. Sounds good right?

There’s only one problem though. I just can’t lose the weight.

I don’t step on scales or anything like that because it’s pointless. I just know that when I get to the size I want to be I will fit into the outfit I am drooling over.

I have always believed that I needed a mean trainer who will scream at me and make me feel like utter shit. I do well with anger because it triggers this ’screw you’ mentality within me. That leads to me crying and getting very mad and then going overboard to prove that I can do it. This would only work with a trainer though because they would have my hard earned money and knowing I paid some jackass to make me angry would just piss me off more so then I would have to work harder to get my money’s worth.

Just thinking about that makes me tired.

The truth of the matter is that I shouldn’t need to lose weight. I barely eat anything as is and when I do eat, it takes me an eternity to get through it. A salad from Wendy’s takes me over an hour to eat, and that’s no joke. I have to be the slowest eater on the planet. The last time I completed a meal while it was still hot has to be over 20 years ago.

My doctor’s say that the years I spent torturing my body have contributed to my metabolism absolutely not functioning which has resulted in me being overweight. In order to repair myself, or even to start the repair process, I have to eat 5-7 small meals a day. HA! I can barely tolerate two… I can’t see myself doing FIVE let alone seven.

I tried Weight Watcher’s and that worked nicely for a while. I was losing weight like a good girl, but then my laziness kicked in and I stopped going to meetings. I will confess most of my weight loss came from absolute starvation, which really didn’t feel like I was starving since I wasn’t hungry. That really worries me sometimes because I feel like my old anorexia habits are kicking in and that’s a path I don’t want to go down ever again.

So, I have now come to the conclusion that I will DIE before I ever reach my IT weight… but I think that’s ok. Maybe I can use that designer dress as a scarf.

It’s Not Easy Being Me.

• Author: Monique
• Filed under: personal
• Date: Mar 28,2008

I will confess to you now that I have an attitude problem. Jillian got me thinking about this after I read her post about people accepting us for who we are. Most of the people in my life love my loud outspoken ass. They like that I speak my mind and will tell them the truth about anything they ask me. I like to keep it real.

People who don’t know me might say it’s a chip on my shoulder… but it’s not. I just don’t care what other people think about me and the life I live. Frankly, I think I deserve the right to be a moody ‘ol hag when I want to be. After the life I’ve led, it’s about time. It’s not as if I am a disrespectful person… I respect everyone. But I will tell you about yourself real quick if need be.

It took me a long long time to get to the point where I was ok with who I am. It took me getting my ass kicked by some useless man… years of binging and purging only to become an anorexic… and so much more.

It honestly was a waking moment for me. It just hit me in the middle of the night that I didn’t need to put up with all the bullshit I was dealing with. I no longer had to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders trying like hell to make sure I fit in.

I realized that I didn’t need to care anymore. I didn’t care what my parents thought about my weight. I didn’t care what my boyfriend thought about how I looked without any make up on. The transformation wasn’t easy… but it was worth it.
I just started loving myself from the inside out.

Now, I can happily leave my house with a nappy head, or some silly ass winter hat on in the summer. I don’t always need to have make up on to feel good. I can wear bright green shoes with my blue jeans and red top. I can be a size 2 - ok, never the hell again would I want to be that damn skinny but if I wanted to be, it’s ok. And on the flip side, if I want to a fat butt who sits on my sofa all day, then so be it. Who cares? It’s about me now and I love the hell out of myself… and then some.
Don’t get me wrong though, I still have feelings, and words occasionally do hurt. Like, some ass from stumble did a review on one of my posts and all he said was “I bet this bitch is fat”. For a itty bitty second my feelings were hurt, and then I was like “dude please, you wish you had some of this fat ass”. And that’s how I live today.

I’m so much happier in this skin. If someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to deal with it. They don’t have to be my friend which of course would be their loss. I have unlimited long distance with AT&T just so I can be there whenever someone needs me. Does it get much better than that in the friendship department? Oh, I will tell you when you have food in your teeth or a booger in your nose or if you ass looks fat in those jeans. That’s perfect friendship material right there… Not to mention, I’m loyal.

I wish I could pass my self love and awareness to every woman and child I know but that would be pointless. Part of the joy I feel from being alive each day is being able to look back at the struggles I went through to get where I’m at.

And knowing that never again will someone dictate who Monique Renae is or should be. Ever.

Whoa! Is That Pee Running Down My Leg?

• Author: Monique
• Filed under: personal
• Date: Mar 25,2008

Last night, after a very busy and exhausting day out, I curled up in bed and went to sleep. It had been a chilly night here in Texas, so I opened up a window to let the cool breeze freeze me out. I love cold weather when I can snuggle up under a pile of blankets.

Anyway, as I was laying in bed, I got this overwhelming urge to pee which I ignored because I was so comfortable and warm. I shrugged it off and went back to sleep. I swear, I take laziness to the extreme sometimes.

A few hours later, I got hit with the same urge… which I ignored… again.

At about 5 am, I was having this wonderful dream where I was yelling at someone to get out the bathroom because I needed to go. When I finally got into the bathroom, I was so relieved and elated.

And then I woke up and realized that I was in bed, and not in the bathroom at all. I quickly checked under the covers; for what I don’t know since it was pitch dark. I felt around the bed, and it all seemed dry.

I jumped up out of bed and raced to the bathroom before a real emergency happened. As I sat down it dawned on me that all was not as dry as I originally thought. Ewwww.

When I finished, I took a nice hot shower before heading back to bed. I did a double check there, and everything was as dry as I had previously thought. Amazingly enough I was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly.

I tell you what though, the next time I get the slightest urge to go to the bathroom, I’m not going to hesitate a second. Not even for the warmth and comfort of a good nights sleep.