Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I’m Fat

Posted in Life As I Know It, On The Soapbox

As I walked by a mirror the other day I caught a glimpse of myself and had to stop and look.

There wasn’t anything new, but it dawned on me that I don’t often LOOK at myself. Yeah, I check my face for pimples and frown lines… my mom is nearly 70 and flawless so of course I am trying to follow down that same path. I often check out my gray hairs and am still grateful they don’t freak me out.

I don’t know what it was that caught my eye but  I stopped and stared for about 5 minutes. And then I smiled.

I’m fat.

Like, fat fat. Fat.

Fat.

And while I am not OK with my weight, I am OK with myself.

I can honestly say I am happy in my skin. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with where I have come from. I am happy with where I am going.

Don’t get me wrong, there are indeed things I would like to see changed on my outside… who doesn’t. But overall if this is what I will be like for the next 50 years then that’s fine by me.

When I look around me and see young girls altering themselves to the point where they are barely recognized as their old selves it saddens me greatly. I was once there, starving myself in order to reach approval. Personally I would love to bottle up some of my own self esteem and send it to people like Heidi Montag. And yeah, I know sometimes people just want a different nose, or larger breasts, or sexy calves but a lot of times, the true issue is deep within and one surgery leads to two which leads to three.

A lot of people look at me and assume I am fat because I sit in my house and eat Twinkie’s all day. My own parents do it. They secretly think I park my car at Burger King and eat there all day.  But nothing could be farther from the truth. Out of everyone I know, I eat the least. Taking me to a buffet is a waste of money. I can’t go to dinner without leaving with a doggy bag.  I can’t even finish a 12 oz soda on my own.

They say my body is just pissed off due to years of abuse from me spending my youth being anorexic and then discovering food and then yo yo dieting. Now my metabolism is shot and I am insulin resistant. Go me!

Hopefully, they will figure out the right regimen and I will be able to look like what society deems as “right”. But until then, I am going to continue to walk proud with my head held high, loving myself for exactly who I am.

Just me.

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32 comments

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meleah rebeccah - July 21, 2010 - 12:25 am

I think you are FABULOUS just the way you are.
meleah rebeccah´s last [type] ..Writing Rituals And The Muse

Jo - July 21, 2010 - 5:36 am

I think you are beautiful…really and truly beautiful. I wish I had your confidence — it shines through your face. I also wish I could tattoo your words on the hearts of all the young girls I know…and myself ten years ago.

Big hugs,
Jo

(ICLW #23)
Jo´s last [type] ..Long Time- No See

Cheri - July 21, 2010 - 5:50 am

I just happened to stumble onto this from epbot.com. Thank you so much for saying this! I’m fat, always have been. Found out a few years ago that I have PCOS, which has caused my weight gain. It’s being treated now, but that kind of fat doesn’t just melt off.

But despite it, I find that I am way more comfortable in my own skin than people I know who are 100 pounds less than me. I don’t feel bad when I act goofy, awkward, or sexy. I’m not ashamed to dance it up, go swimming, or wear tank tops in the summer. And when I see other people who refuse to do so because of self-esteem issues, it makes me sad in my heart to think of what they’re missing out on.

Thank you for understanding!

Karen & Gerard - July 21, 2010 - 6:11 am

Sounds like your body is screwed up a bit and hopefully the doctors will be able to help but it sounds like at least you have a good attitude which is very important.
Karen & Gerard´s last [type] ..Morning Glory by LaVyrle Spencer

Savi3 - July 21, 2010 - 11:01 am

I am over weight and getting close to my 58th birthday. I am so happy the way I feel since I do Yoga and eat carefully but I eat only what I like. It is how you feel and not the way you look. When you reach my age, you slowly become wiser and happier.

Ms Dreamer - July 21, 2010 - 11:48 am

Monique, I wish I had your confidence. I’m fat and not happy in my own skin, and I just can’t seem to get the motivation to do anything about it. I hope your positivity about it rubs off my way!

Happy ICLW!

Ms Dreamer

Lisa Stone - July 21, 2010 - 11:51 am

meleah is right – you are fabulous! I’m so glad you are happy just the way you are. Here’s to your health in the coming year. :)
Lisa Stone´s last [type] ..Very Cool- Flipboard iPad App Turns Your Feeds Into a Social Magazine

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 2:43 pm

Aww thank you Meleah. I love you!

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 2:53 pm

Thank you. It took me a bit to get to this point but I am here and that’s all that matters right? :)

Happy ICLW!

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 2:56 pm

I have been also losing weight just like you said, but it definitely doesn’t melt off.

You and I have the same kind of confidence! We are so we are, why not enjoy it right? lol

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 3:01 pm

I am hoping too! It’s been years of them stumbling over their own feet trying to figure this out.

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 3:09 pm

I agree it’s definitely about the way we feel. I am forever grateful that I do feel good (usually) about myself.

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 3:10 pm

I’m sending some positivity your way right now!

Happy ICLW!

Monique Renae - July 21, 2010 - 3:11 pm

Thank you SO MUCH Lisa :)

lakshmi - July 21, 2010 - 3:50 pm

Hi Monique,
my name is lakshmi m from India , m new to blogging as well as this website, this artcile is really awesome, coz i ve been through this as well, actually i should i am going through this…i m fat too, fat fat fat.. sometimes i get so fed up wid my self.. that i avoid looking at myself in the mirror.. i must say ur article has given me the confidence to accept me as i am thank you so much for that.. we are across the world yet i would like to give u a huge hug for making me feel good while reading your blog. Thank u so much :)

lakshmi - July 21, 2010 - 3:56 pm

Hi Monique,
i forget to add one more thing, u really really look gr8, ur skin….its like so clear and pure wowwwww!!! its like a baby’s skin… awesome !

P.I.B. ;o) - July 21, 2010 - 4:25 pm

I just LOVE you, you know that? You’re so damn fearless and your “$%#& you, I like me” attitude wears you just as well as you fit it! Go guuuuuuuuuurl!

Judi - July 21, 2010 - 7:24 pm

You are beautiful. I’ve always thought so. I always liked that your banner / header had pictures of you – like the last one, didn’t it have 3-4 pics of you? I just always thought you looked great, photographed well (I am so not photogenic). Awesome picture of you, up there.. beautiful skin, love how your lips are full and have a cute little curl at each side. It’s good to be comfy in your skin. Maybe you should do a meme about it.. get more people to post about themselves. ;)
Judi´s last [type] ..Legacy – by Cayla Kluver

myinfertilitywoes - July 21, 2010 - 7:44 pm

You are beautiful!

Glad I stopped over – so sorry you’ve had so much trouble with weight. Sounds like you’re in a healthy place. I’ve had trouble with weight since ttc’ing and needed Wei.ght Wat.chers – I LOVE using that system! That and doing bik.ram yo.ga. That’s been awesome!

Happy ICLW and all the best with your journey!
myinfertilitywoes´s last [type] ..Happy July ICLW!

Rach - July 22, 2010 - 5:51 am

While you maybe fat (and hey I am too – my Dr told me that last week) you are absolutely beautiful and the fact that you’re comfortable in your skin says so much.

I’ve come to the realisation that I am never going to be perfect but I can improve on the body I have now….I will always have curves, I just want to be able to SEE them!

As long as you’re comfortable in your own skin, the rest will follow.

ICLW
#41
http://themissruby.blogspot.com/
Rach´s last [type] ..growing old disgracefully

BU - July 22, 2010 - 12:48 pm

I think you’re beautiful! And isn’t it great when you get to the point where you can want some change in yourself but you still love yourself at the same time? That’s a happy life.

Kelly - July 23, 2010 - 5:49 pm

There’s nothing more important than being comfortable in and happy with your own skin!

ICLW
Kelly´s last [type] ..Our Weekend!

Liddy - July 26, 2010 - 8:27 am

I want your confidence.

An ICLW Visit from #107 (mfi, speedskating, strength)
liddy @ the unfair struggle

Justina - July 26, 2010 - 1:57 pm

What a beautiful post! I wish more people were able to come to this kind of realization and just be comfortable with who they are. I know that’s something I struggle with daily.

ICLW #161

Heather - July 27, 2010 - 7:04 am

You do look beautiful the way you are! But I can relate to your post. I often find myself searching for the tell-tale signs of aging–you know crows feet, ” mark between my eyes, white hairs, etc. And only occasionally do I find myself looking at the entire picture.

Happy ICLW!

P.S. My husband also has a love affair with the Olive Garden…and their endless (or is it bottomless?) salad. LOL!
Heather´s last [type] ..Thank you Elle magazine for taking IF back a decade

Ashlee - July 27, 2010 - 10:34 pm

It doesn’t matter how you feel in your clothes, its how you feel in your own skin that matters most.

happy iclw!
Ashlee´s last [type] ..Day 1 – A shows that should never have been cancelled

Cindy - July 28, 2010 - 8:20 am

I am not sure where (I love to blog hop) I found your blog, but I am glad I did.

I battles self-esteem issues BAD. It is inspiring to me to read of someone who loves themselves (and feels good about themselves). You rock & I want your confidence. :)

Rach - July 28, 2010 - 3:03 pm

I think your picture is lovely!

Angelika - July 29, 2010 - 4:23 am

Bravo!

I did the same thing to my metabolism as a teen. And even though I’ve heard plenty of “experts” and doctors that I respect tell me that I have to eat to lose weight, it’s rare that I eat more than one meal a day.

90% of the people I know couldn’t survive off of what I eat in a day.

But I’m fiddnuh get sick of this double chin, LOL. So I reckon I’ll start small & eat some fruit or veggies every couple of hours.

Next week…

;-p
Angelika´s last [type] ..Wanna know what sucks

JD at I Do Things - July 31, 2010 - 8:10 am

I love your attitude and wish more women (including myself) could feel happy in their skin.

And speaking of skin? Damn, girl. Yours is gorgeous.

trininista - August 14, 2010 - 12:11 pm

I am fat too but I think I am the most gorgeous creature on earth and my confidence is sexy to people who come in contact with me. Takes us a while to get here but when we do, there is no stopping us. You’re beautiful…great skin! jealous.
trininista´s last [type] ..Italy- Modernity Meets Old World

RE - RecycledFrockery - August 16, 2010 - 7:18 pm

Monique, you are gorgeous. there is nothing wrong with loving YOU and I’m right along with you in the gonna think smaller club. it’s easy to screw up your metabolism. I didnt’ yoyo diet but I have crohns disease and that makes it veryy hard to stay out of the loo. so any calorie is packed on somewhere. not to mention steroids as treatment for the crohns – trapped me in a weight. so it appears. like you I eat less but it still always shows up somewhere. I guess we’re just goreous human museums. work it girllllll..
RE – RecycledFrockery´s last [type] ..I Knew I felt like someone was watching me

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