As I walked by a mirror the other day I caught a glimpse of myself and had to stop and look.
There wasn’t anything new, but it dawned on me that I don’t often LOOK at myself. Yeah, I check my face for pimples and frown lines… my mom is nearly 70 and flawless so of course I am trying to follow down that same path. I often check out my gray hairs and am still grateful they don’t freak me out.
I don’t know what it was that caught my eye but I stopped and stared for about 5 minutes. And then I smiled.
I’m fat.
Like, fat fat. Fat.
Fat.
And while I am not OK with my weight, I am OK with myself.
I can honestly say I am happy in my skin. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with where I have come from. I am happy with where I am going.
Don’t get me wrong, there are indeed things I would like to see changed on my outside… who doesn’t. But overall if this is what I will be like for the next 50 years then that’s fine by me.
When I look around me and see young girls altering themselves to the point where they are barely recognized as their old selves it saddens me greatly. I was once there, starving myself in order to reach approval. Personally I would love to bottle up some of my own self esteem and send it to people like Heidi Montag. And yeah, I know sometimes people just want a different nose, or larger breasts, or sexy calves but a lot of times, the true issue is deep within and one surgery leads to two which leads to three.
A lot of people look at me and assume I am fat because I sit in my house and eat Twinkie’s all day. My own parents do it. They secretly think I park my car at Burger King and eat there all day. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Out of everyone I know, I eat the least. Taking me to a buffet is a waste of money. I can’t go to dinner without leaving with a doggy bag. I can’t even finish a 12 oz soda on my own.
They say my body is just pissed off due to years of abuse from me spending my youth being anorexic and then discovering food and then yo yo dieting. Now my metabolism is shot and I am insulin resistant. Go me!
Hopefully, they will figure out the right regimen and I will be able to look like what society deems as “right”. But until then, I am going to continue to walk proud with my head held high, loving myself for exactly who I am.
Just me.
{ 32 comments }
I think you are FABULOUS just the way you are.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Writing Rituals And The Muse
Aww thank you Meleah. I love you!
I think you are beautiful…really and truly beautiful. I wish I had your confidence — it shines through your face. I also wish I could tattoo your words on the hearts of all the young girls I know…and myself ten years ago.
Big hugs,
Jo
(ICLW #23)
Jo´s last blog ..Long Time- No See
Thank you. It took me a bit to get to this point but I am here and that’s all that matters right?
Happy ICLW!
I just happened to stumble onto this from epbot.com. Thank you so much for saying this! I’m fat, always have been. Found out a few years ago that I have PCOS, which has caused my weight gain. It’s being treated now, but that kind of fat doesn’t just melt off.
But despite it, I find that I am way more comfortable in my own skin than people I know who are 100 pounds less than me. I don’t feel bad when I act goofy, awkward, or sexy. I’m not ashamed to dance it up, go swimming, or wear tank tops in the summer. And when I see other people who refuse to do so because of self-esteem issues, it makes me sad in my heart to think of what they’re missing out on.
Thank you for understanding!
I have been also losing weight just like you said, but it definitely doesn’t melt off.
You and I have the same kind of confidence! We are so we are, why not enjoy it right? lol
Sounds like your body is screwed up a bit and hopefully the doctors will be able to help but it sounds like at least you have a good attitude which is very important.
Karen & Gerard´s last blog ..Morning Glory by LaVyrle Spencer
I am hoping too! It’s been years of them stumbling over their own feet trying to figure this out.
I am over weight and getting close to my 58th birthday. I am so happy the way I feel since I do Yoga and eat carefully but I eat only what I like. It is how you feel and not the way you look. When you reach my age, you slowly become wiser and happier.
I agree it’s definitely about the way we feel. I am forever grateful that I do feel good (usually) about myself.
Monique, I wish I had your confidence. I’m fat and not happy in my own skin, and I just can’t seem to get the motivation to do anything about it. I hope your positivity about it rubs off my way!
Happy ICLW!
Ms Dreamer
I’m sending some positivity your way right now!
Happy ICLW!
meleah is right – you are fabulous! I’m so glad you are happy just the way you are. Here’s to your health in the coming year.
Lisa Stone´s last blog ..Very Cool- Flipboard iPad App Turns Your Feeds Into a Social Magazine
Thank you SO MUCH Lisa
Hi Monique,
my name is lakshmi m from India , m new to blogging as well as this website, this artcile is really awesome, coz i ve been through this as well, actually i should i am going through this…i m fat too, fat fat fat.. sometimes i get so fed up wid my self.. that i avoid looking at myself in the mirror.. i must say ur article has given me the confidence to accept me as i am thank you so much for that.. we are across the world yet i would like to give u a huge hug for making me feel good while reading your blog. Thank u so much
Hi Monique,
i forget to add one more thing, u really really look gr8, ur skin….its like so clear and pure wowwwww!!! its like a baby’s skin… awesome !
I just LOVE you, you know that? You’re so damn fearless and your “$%#& you, I like me” attitude wears you just as well as you fit it! Go guuuuuuuuuurl!
You are beautiful. I’ve always thought so. I always liked that your banner / header had pictures of you – like the last one, didn’t it have 3-4 pics of you? I just always thought you looked great, photographed well (I am so not photogenic). Awesome picture of you, up there.. beautiful skin, love how your lips are full and have a cute little curl at each side. It’s good to be comfy in your skin. Maybe you should do a meme about it.. get more people to post about themselves.
Judi´s last blog ..Legacy – by Cayla Kluver
You are beautiful!
Glad I stopped over – so sorry you’ve had so much trouble with weight. Sounds like you’re in a healthy place. I’ve had trouble with weight since ttc’ing and needed Wei.ght Wat.chers – I LOVE using that system! That and doing bik.ram yo.ga. That’s been awesome!
Happy ICLW and all the best with your journey!
myinfertilitywoes´s last blog ..Happy July ICLW!
While you maybe fat (and hey I am too – my Dr told me that last week) you are absolutely beautiful and the fact that you’re comfortable in your skin says so much.
I’ve come to the realisation that I am never going to be perfect but I can improve on the body I have now….I will always have curves, I just want to be able to SEE them!
As long as you’re comfortable in your own skin, the rest will follow.
ICLW
#41
http://themissruby.blogspot.com/
Rach´s last blog ..growing old disgracefully
I think you’re beautiful! And isn’t it great when you get to the point where you can want some change in yourself but you still love yourself at the same time? That’s a happy life.
There’s nothing more important than being comfortable in and happy with your own skin!
ICLW
Kelly´s last blog ..Our Weekend!
I want your confidence.
An ICLW Visit from #107 (mfi, speedskating, strength)
liddy @ the unfair struggle
What a beautiful post! I wish more people were able to come to this kind of realization and just be comfortable with who they are. I know that’s something I struggle with daily.
ICLW #161
You do look beautiful the way you are! But I can relate to your post. I often find myself searching for the tell-tale signs of aging–you know crows feet, ” mark between my eyes, white hairs, etc. And only occasionally do I find myself looking at the entire picture.
Happy ICLW!
P.S. My husband also has a love affair with the Olive Garden…and their endless (or is it bottomless?) salad. LOL!
Heather´s last blog ..Thank you Elle magazine for taking IF back a decade
It doesn’t matter how you feel in your clothes, its how you feel in your own skin that matters most.
happy iclw!
Ashlee´s last blog ..Day 1 – A shows that should never have been cancelled
I am not sure where (I love to blog hop) I found your blog, but I am glad I did.
I battles self-esteem issues BAD. It is inspiring to me to read of someone who loves themselves (and feels good about themselves). You rock & I want your confidence.
I think your picture is lovely!
Bravo!
I did the same thing to my metabolism as a teen. And even though I’ve heard plenty of “experts” and doctors that I respect tell me that I have to eat to lose weight, it’s rare that I eat more than one meal a day.
90% of the people I know couldn’t survive off of what I eat in a day.
But I’m fiddnuh get sick of this double chin, LOL. So I reckon I’ll start small & eat some fruit or veggies every couple of hours.
Next week…
;-p
Angelika´s last blog ..Wanna know what sucks
I love your attitude and wish more women (including myself) could feel happy in their skin.
And speaking of skin? Damn, girl. Yours is gorgeous.
I am fat too but I think I am the most gorgeous creature on earth and my confidence is sexy to people who come in contact with me. Takes us a while to get here but when we do, there is no stopping us. You’re beautiful…great skin! jealous.
trininista´s last blog ..Italy- Modernity Meets Old World
Monique, you are gorgeous. there is nothing wrong with loving YOU and I’m right along with you in the gonna think smaller club. it’s easy to screw up your metabolism. I didnt’ yoyo diet but I have crohns disease and that makes it veryy hard to stay out of the loo. so any calorie is packed on somewhere. not to mention steroids as treatment for the crohns – trapped me in a weight. so it appears. like you I eat less but it still always shows up somewhere. I guess we’re just goreous human museums. work it girllllll..
RE – RecycledFrockery´s last blog ..I Knew I felt like someone was watching me
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