Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
I figure it’s about time I get rid of the ginormous pink elephant in the middle of the room. As much as I love the color pink and I think elephants are cute, I don’t really think they are meant to be put together.
The question I get asked most these days is “Is everything OK?” and to be quite honest, yes it is. I am actually as OK as I think I could possibly be under the circumstances. I went through a period of time where I was really really angry and wanted to go back to each doctor I previously had seen and give them each a swift kick in the nether region. And of course, eventually anger brought me peace because I was finally relieved to know what the hell was going on.
As much as aspects of my life suck right now, I am embracing that relief like a security blanket because before, when I was dizzy and wanted to puke, it was a mystery. Now… I know what it is and I can deal with it.
It only took about 12 years to get an answer.
I have lost count of how many idiot doctors I have visited.
My favorite ‘medical professional’ was some freak in New Mexico. He was a neurologist who I was sent to to figure out the cause of my frequent and often intolerable headaches. When I arrived at his office, he had me completely disrobe to put on a too-small gown and sit on a very dirty looking table. His breath was so fowl it made my stomach churn.. and his examination included him groping my breasts, tapping my knees and elbows and rubbing my shoulders. He then determined from that that I had migraines. He wrote me out a prescription and sent me home.
Sadly, most of the other doctors weren’t much better.
Finally, I spoke to a nurse practitioner one morning after having a headache that had me in tears. I described to her all of my symptoms. I went down my usual list of symptoms: headaches, dizziness, vertigo, pain in my face, sleep apnea, muscle weakness and countless other things.
Before I could even finish telling her everything she said to me, “have you ever heard of chiari malformation… because I think that’s what you have.”
I had to stop for a moment and gather my thoughts because I was so used to people breaking down the symptoms, trying to fix me in tiny pieces… the amount of meds in my cabinet are out of control… and there it was finally, a NAME that I could associate with everything. FINALLY!
I don’t understand what took so long.
THAT pisses me off more than anything. Slowly, my life had come to a screeching halt because to do anything usually resulted in me having to head home early or cancel plans. I am sure it pissed everyone else off to always have to deal with me not being close to useless.
Anyway, Chiari Malformation is complicated. It’s a brain disorder. It’s rare. It’s incurable.
I can have surgery to relieve some of the pressure but it doesn’t always work, and there is the slight chance things could get worse. Without surgery the alternative choice is to have a shunt placed or be on medication for the rest of my life.
Soooooooooo, that’s where I am at.
I am happy. Pissed off. Content. Wanting to nutpunch old doctors. But happy. Because honestly…. life could be worse.
It could be a lot worse.
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