Originally published at Blogging Monique Renae. Please leave any comments there.
I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and take a look at myself in the mirror. It wasn’t a pretty sight, so I decided to take a shower. It’s been about 2 days since I have had one of those. It really isn’t like me to mope around as if the world is ending. But yet here I am still struggling for a breath.
This cold isn’t helping me much either… It’s clear I am going to need something stronger than Nyquil to give me the rest I need. My nights are filled with endless dreams that never reach a conclusion.
I feel utterly raw now… as if I were 15 again trying to understand what my purpose in life is. I guess the timing for this is right with my anniversary approaching, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don’t feel very grateful now… and not in a way that I don’t feel fortunate for the life I have… but because I feel those around me deserve much more than I am capable of giving.
I have been fighting with myself for constantly giving into these feelings of worthlessness… for feeling so broken. And then I get angry when I realize that all I want…. actually…. all I need is to know why.
So much of the things that have happened to me I have always vocalized and faced head on. I am not ashamed of the mistakes I have made or the paths I have taken, but there are parts of it that have no closure. I never had a chance to wrap it all up in a box with a pretty bow and to be quit honest, none of that has ever bothered me until recently.
My relationship with my father, as I have said before, was never a good one. Over the years it never really bothered me… it was what it was. But I guess the whole pandora’s box was opened when my mother wrote me asking what she had done… As if she had done anything.
I appreciated the responses the other day so much. They helped me in ways I never imagined and I now know I need to do something to make it right. My DH suggests I simply ignore my father and carry on like everything is normal. Yeah, like that’s so easy.
It would be a start though. And right now, anything is better than this.
I’m going to make my next step towards improvement and actually comb my hair. It’s been about a week since I’ve done that.
On a good note though, I got myself some pop rocks, and it’s really hard to stay down with those evil things popping off in my mouth.
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