I met my husband online.
Yes… on the computer. The same thing I use to write my posts.
The same place where I have met so many amazing females who will be ‘aunts’ to my kids.
When I speak to people about these women who have become personal friends of mine, the women I chat with occasionally on the phone, or even the ones I hope to someday meet, no one gives me a cautionary tale about being careful. No one tells me they could be a psycho murderer who has bad intentions.
However, when I mention that I met my husband on the interwebs I get looked at like I have lost my mind. I get asked a million and one questions as if what I am saying is the craziest thing in the world. This morning on the radio, I listened to a DJ tell a woman she was crazy for wanting to meet someone she met online who she had been talking to for over a year. It really pissed me off. I had a woman once tell me I was lucky to be alive because my husband could have killed me.
Why is it assumed that if you meet someone online they are:
- married
- not the person they claim to be
- an ax murderer
- a pedophile
- not in their right mind
Do these issues not apply to people we meet on a day-to-day basis? I see people everyday who scare me a lot more than someone I spoke to in a chat room. And I am certain serial killers DO lurk in local bars and churches not just online. How many of those high profile murders we have heard of in recent years involved a relationship that started online? I Googled ‘online relationship murder’ and got a bunch of hits for the murder of a young man by his co-worker. And that murder was because they both were supposedly involved with the same woman online.
The guys who consistently beat my ass and made me feel like trash were men I met at church, outside my house, at the grocery store.
Granted, in the many years of me meeting and talking to different people online, I have only ever encountered one mental case. He and I were just casual friends and he gave me some sob story about his wife recently dying. He was having a hard time coping and so he appreciated my friendship… that’s what he said. Months passed with me calling him and talking to him through his grief. Nothing unusual happened. And then one day he called me drunk as hell slurring some words and then hung up. He came online and was making threats and saying he was going to hurt himself so like any friend would, I called him.
His wife answered the phone.
His dead wife answered the phone.
Mind you, she was not mad at her husband when I told her everything I knew about the situation since according to her she already knew he was telling people she was dead. I wasn’t the first, and I wouldn’t be the last. And then she laid every ounce of the blame on me for pursuing her husband. No matter how many times I said I did not want her man she would not hear it. I ended up hanging up on her and for a few weeks after that she emailed me nasty letters and called my house like we were 15 year old’s fighting over the high school hunk.
So that’s one case out of over a hundred people I have met in the past 20 years.
Out of the 10 or so men I have met and dated out in the real world, only 2 were who they claimed to be. Six of them abused me in some form or another. Two of those six enjoyed hitting and verbally assaulting me. Seven of them cheated on me.
Maybe I am just naive.. or stupid… I don’t know… But I really need someone to explain to me what makes online relationships so taboo. Why are we labeled crazy when it usually turns out that your new husband, the love of your life, the man you met in college who is doing so well in his new FBI position is really some deranged man living a double life working at the gas station in the next town up to his eyeballs in debt and porn and currently plotting your murder?
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Let’s lay this one on the media. Yeah — you know the press. Let one kook get written up on a slow news day and everyone who gets into a relationship via the internet is suddenly at risk.
Perhaps some of it is because of the anonymity of the internet. Yeah, I *could* tell you (or some guy) that I’m 25, 115 lbs and 5′7″, look like a young Farah Fawcett, but not a bit of that would be true. Until you met me and saw that I was a 250lb, 50-something, only 5′4″ and don’t look like anybody famous, you would just have to take my word, right? It’s too easy to lie — most of us are thousands of miles away from each other with never a chance of meeting. It’s kind of fun to pretend to be someone more glamorous, more sexy, more MORE and the internet lets you!
All relationships whether they begin online or somewhere more face-to-face need to be treated the same way — with a bit of common sense and some caution.
There ARE nutcases, rapists, serial killers (although probably not as many as there are in fiction and certainly not as many as seem to be in Minneapolis/St. Paul!) out there, but as you pointed out, you can encounter them anywhere, not just online.
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Margarets last blog post..People In Need
I met my husband in a parking lot. I was moving into his apartment complex, and he helped me carry up a box. We were married 11 months later. He could have just as easily killed me as if I would have met him on the Internet.
Crazy people are crazy regardless if they know how to type. I’m sure you were smart about meeting your man.
Lisabeths last blog post..My Favorite Things: Entertainment Facility, Independent Movie Theatres
LOL… great post.
My aunt & uncle met online, through eHarmony (so that’s safer, right?) I only get freaked out when people say they met online when a) they are under 20 years old and/or b) meeting up for the first time alone or at either person’s home.
I read a “mom” blog somewhere about her 14-yo daughter was on her way (alone!) to meet up with some guy she met on the web. Whoaaa…. now that’s scary!
There are definitely pros & cons to physically meeting people online. I certainly won’t judge anyone who does, and I would definitely say to be careful!
I have met my last 3 boyfriends on the net. The last one is in my life for 10 years now
It was my mom who was always afraid of serial killers, and such lol. My ex lived in another country and when I flew to him for the first time, my mom was so anxious that I needed to call her twice a day and write down every possible help phone numbers, because “what if he will kidnap you and sell you to girl-traders” …
I never felt a difference between offline or online dating and match making, idiots live everywhere not just online.
I think it is great you posted this MoRe! My hubby and I met in a very odd way, but we are through feast and famine truly the best support we have. I have met so many wonderful friends through sites on Jane Austen and breast cancer. Each and everyone of them normal as anyone else. The only ones I think are nut cases I spotted their nutty ways online!
kathy@brazoscowgirls last blog post..If I only had a Brain
Terrific post! I met crazy husband #1 in person, and he was truly crazy, as in officially diagnosed with mental defects (but not until after we were married). I knew crazy husband #2 in high school so knew bits about him from more than one decade, and didn’t discover that he had mental defects until after we were married. And no, I’m not an idiot, but pyschopaths can be very good at hiding their craziness. I met Mr. LuckyGirl online, and while anything’s possible, he’s not shown a hint of anything that should qualify as a basis for institutionalizing him. I think we just have to be careful, no matter where we meet someone, or for that matter, how long we’ve known them.
LuckyGirls last blog post..Yesterday I Was MIA
I met my current boyfriend online, and he is the most rational, patient and accepting man I have ever met! People are just scared of what they don’t understand. And relationships, no matter how they begin, need to be navigated with the same caution reserved for any type of stranger out there.
Great post, Monique, and I’m sorry you had to endure all those assholes before getting to the good stuff.
Athenas last blog post..Six awesomely badass quirks
When I was meeting/talking to men that I’d met on the internet, none of them WERE NOT who they said they were. Maybe I was lucky.
But, yeah. I get strange looks when I tell people I’ve met (IRL) and dated men that I’ve met online.
It’s no more dangerous than going on a blind date or meeting someone in the grocery store, IMO.
Angelikas last blog post..Vertigo
I figure, unless you’ve known someone your entire life - like from K - 12 school - you can’t really know who someone is when you meet them. I was even nervous meeting my hubby at first because he lived alone, didn’t have any family nearby, and I knew nothing about his history. He was a stranger. And from our first date forward we were together all the time.
Isn’t your hubby white? Would you have met him in real life? If you had, would his skin color have mattered?
I only ask because I love being online - it’s as color blind as anything can be unless people choose to tell others.
I think it’s the pedophiles who really take the most advantage of anonymoty of being online. It’s easy for the 50 yo fat guy down the street to pretend to be a 13 yo little boy who wants to meet 12 yo “Jane” at the mall. If parents aren’t paying attention kids get hurt and that makes the news and freaks us all out.
I did read a story awhile ago about a lady with a MySpace page that listed practically every detail of her life and schedule. Some guy stalked her, kidnapped her, and killed her. But then again she wasn’t trying to meet him for a date either.
I’m babbling now. Time for lunch!
castocreationss last blog post..Excellent Service Matters
@ Margaret - I agree. The media loves to blow things out of proportion. I know of quite a few people who pretend to be something they aren’t online, and I think THAT is a big issue a lot of people have with the whole “I’m meeting someone online” freak out.
@ Lisabeth - Exactly! He could have carried that box up and cut you up and put you into that same box. lol.
@ Lisa - 14 yr olds should NOT be heading out to meet ANYONE they met on the web. Now that is crazy!
@ Bingolady - LOL. They do live everywhere!
@ Kathy - You will have to share how you met your husband one day!
@ LuckyGirl - I hope Mr. LuckyGirl stays sane. And I am glad you got away from your exes.
@ Athena - I am really grateful to all those assholes too because I was finally able to see what I deserved from a man.
@ Angelika - I agree. Granted, there is a chance the man you meet online might have lied about how he looks.. but to me the risks are exactly the same as meeting someone in the grocery store.
@ Castocreations - My husband is white. And no, I would have not dated him had we met in person. LOL. But not because he was white (since I am a multi-racial person race has never been an issue for me.) However had it not been for the internet, we certainly wouldn’t be together. I think the anonymity allowed him to be more persuasive and aggressive than usual. But I will explain that more at a later time.
I agree that nutcases are in real life as well as online. You can never tell with anyone. You take a risk getting to know some dude you met at the library in the same way that you take a risk…well, you get the picture.
Before I met TheMan, I was in contact with this LOVELY dude from Ireland. I mean, he was awesome. We met online and then starting corresponding via snail mail and then spoke on the phone a lot (phone cards are good for the international stuff, by the way). I was actually trying to convince him to come on holiday over here so we could meet face to face.
Heh. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be. I met TheMan and my leprechaun met a good Irish girl. We lost touch and that, as they say, was that.
Anyway, I’m glad you found your prince charming. Without taking that risk…
I can think of far worse ways to meet a man. I’ve had some good luck meeting men online in the past. Only one was a sociopath and took me for an emotional ride. The others were decent and accurately represented online, just not “the one”. I actually prefer getting to know someone a bit (chatting, email, phone) before having to meet them. It takes some of the pressure off.
I’m happy for ya!!
chat blancs last blog post..WTH is it?
Pure fear of the unknown is to blame… There are crazies no matter where you go to meet people, the internet is just the newest most feared target.
I met my husband online, too.
Yep, he was married. (Separated, true. But still legally married.)
Since he claimed to be Donovan Kahallan, Chief Security Office of the USS Eclipse, he wasn’t exactly who he claimed to be. (But to be fair, we were playing a Star Trek roleplaying game at the time.)
I don’t think he uses an ax to murder all those things he kills in WoW. (He’s a warlock.) And he didn’t use an ax to kill anyone or anything back then, either. Nope, it was all about phasers and photon torpedoes.
Oh, totally NOT a pedophile, and he doesn’t even play on the interest. (Yes. I’ve seen his porn.)
Of course he’s not in his right mind. He has a Y chromosome. Poor thing.
Back when I first started getting together IRL with the people I’d met online, we used to joke about all of us being ax murderers. I’ve lost track of all the fabulous people I’ve gotten to know thanks to the computer… and every single one of them whom I’ve met IRL has been just as normal (or not) and nice as they appeared to be online.
Maybe I’ve been lucky. Or maybe there are more scaremongers out there than people who want to trust their fellow humans.
So, hurray for you meeting a great guy who makes you laugh!
Yay! I’ve met multiple people from online and have had great experiences with most of them. Only one was a little strange, but I should have known that, but I put on the blinders when all the red flags were wavering around in front of me. Nonetheless, I still speak to pretty much everyone I have met online, dated online, or just become friends with.
Why is it assumed that if you meet someone online they are:
* married
* not the person they claim to be
* an ax murderer
* a pedophile
* not in their right mind
Because THATS the experience I’ve had in the past.
However, you are like the 100th person that Ive heard or read about gotten married as a result of online dating. I am beginning to reconsider my position. Hmmm……….
meleah rebeccahs last blog post..So Happy Together…
taboo…guess because compared to how it used to be, dating online is in its adolescent stages. It’s almost becoming the norm now, but years ago, I never would have imagined people hooking up through a computer. Different times.
Like Meleah, I know a few people who met their mates that way and the thought that everyone is a murder or crazy crosses my mind, even with people I know. Not very trusting.
I know several people who have met mates online or via telephone even. I think the drama surrounds the fact the internet has made the world much smaller. If you live in an area where you aren’t exposed to all the drama that can dwell in an urban community or big city, it will show up on your doorstep online. Don’t forget some people have never heard of some of the ills that society is capable of, but it is broadcast on the internet live-time. Then comes the fear of the unknown for creatures of habit.
OK I’m babbling, sorry. I’m glad you are secure with your marriage and didn’t let the people in the box regulate your decisions.
sHaE-sHaEs last blog post..Lisa Raye’s Marriage Drama
I’ve met quite a few people through the web and they were all pretty normal. But, I made sure to meet them in very public place the first time.
Part of the concern is that they say one thing online, but when you meet them, if you are not smart and you choose to go to the the woods or his apartment or whatever, that he could be a serial killer or a rapist…
But as you said, that could be true of anyone you meet anywhere. Which is why I don’t give out my home address until I have gone out with a guy a few times…I was stalked before and it was by someone I met through friends….haha! not an online stalker….
~Kelly
http://www.30somethingandsearching.today.com/
Kellys last blog post..Riding in Cars With Strangers
Hello. I recently added your blog to my reader. I enjoy your writing and look forward to reading your blog posts.
feefifotos last blog post..Contest Over. I Didn’t Win.
I’m meeting three blogger friends this weekend who I’ve gotten to know very well through their blogs and emails over the last year. (Two men, one woman). I have zero fear about meeting with them, though to reassure anyone who’s concerned, we’re meeting in public places and I’m taking my sister with me.
Now, would it be bad if I asked them over dinner whether they’ve ax murdered anyone? Probably a bad idea, right?
Kathys last blog post..Deere John …. Why?
I guess when you are meeting someone in ‘real’ life, it’s face to face and you can see the reaction and expression of the person. But frankly speaking, if that person is out to deceive, one cannot tell at all. Meeting with someone online probably raises more concern because of the uncertainties involve. With communication, it is a good chance for getting to know that person better. I have talked online to this lady for more than 2 years now and we even went to holiday together last year. When we practice due diligence in meeting people online as in meeting people offline, it is not as crazy as the reaction that people has. Just because you met your husband online, your husband could have killed you? That is one of the funniest things I read.
More and more people are going this route. I must admit that I was skeptical, but I know several extremely happily married and very well suited couples who met online. It’s worked for them! Who can question that?
Sweet Mummys last blog post..Back in Canada
Count me in as another one who met her husband online - in our case, it was Match.com. Before him, I met a number of very nice men online but I had a rule I applied pretty rigorously which goes like this -
Meet early. I learned the hard way that delaying the first meeting was a good way to have one or both of us disappointed; either he or I had formed a “fantasy relationship” which the real person could never live up to.
I think it’s safe to always assume there’s a fair amount of hyperbole in written descriptions - on both sides (even photos are pretty unreliable). Uhmmm . . . we ALL want to put our best foot forward, so we ALL tend to add height and hair and subtract chins. But if you meet early enough you get the physical chemistry thing out of the way - if it isn’t there, it can’t be manufactured! And I am the type of be pretty forgiving of the desire to be considered attractive to a potential partner. Frankly, once I have met someone, I’ve forgotten what they wrote about themselves or that the photo posted was more than 5 years ago.
I totally agree that you can meet good AND bad people in any and all ways - and every time I run into a woman who says she’d NEVER go online for a date or a partner, I get a perverse pleasure in saying that this is precisely how I met the ‘Publican. Because by then they’ve all fallen half in love with him. Maybe Match.com should be paying out affiliate fees to moi, eh?
Great post. I met my current boyfriend online and we’ve been going strong for 2 years now. Crazy deranged psychos can be found anywhere. Whether you meet someone online or offline you don’t know anything about them. The only thing that makes a difference is that online you may not know what the person looks like right away while offline the first thing you see is the persons looks. There is always that equal opportunity to be lied to from the start whether or not you met that person online.
With my upcoming trip to visit and stay with my blog friends, who I have never met before or in fact spoke to, I have had many a strange look off friends and family.
Its not totally mad to travel thousands of miles to meet them is it? Well I say no, I speak (type) to these folk all the time and cant wait to meet them.
It is interesting that the only way it seemed less weird to my family, was to say it wasn’t a dating thing and my vacation would be a lot cheaper.
Claires last blog post..Just a bit of colour
I met my boyfriend online as well. We’ve been “dating” for over 7 years and even with things he should have told me the truth about, he’s still a million times more honest than anyone i’ve met anywhere else. I think “meeting” online allows us to really get to know someone. Sure plenty lie, but if you pay attention you can catch them quickly and get out of it. I think it’s a great way to meet new people, whether it’s as friends or romantic in nature. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.
Nessas last blog post..PLeeeeeease go vote for me
There are a lot of people who still don’t play in this world, and because the media only ever talk about all the bad things that happen online… the normal people who watch these things can’t help but assume that’s all that happens when people meet someone online. It’s naive. It’s dumb. It’s prejudiced.
I’ve met with quite a few fellow bloggers and I’ve had a wonderful time everytime. I can’t wait to meet everyone!!
My experience has been that the people I meet online have usually ended up being better then the ones I meet locally. I met my best guy friend online 6 years ago and he has been the best thing ever. I think people are scared about meeting men online because of all the horror stories the internet is still new so it’s going to be a big thing when someone does anything online.
Hollys last blog post..The Bills Are Paid
I guess I must be a different sort of exception here. It seems like everyone here met wonderful boyfriends or husbands online.
I met my wonderful wife online about nine years ago. Our eighth wedding anniversary is coming up in a few months.
aldon @ orient lodges last blog post..Thinking about Citizen’s Journalism
I hear ya girl!! I also met my Hubby online and to this day still endure all those dumb comments and questions when someone discovers how we met.
I have spent many years online and throughout that time have met many wonderful people (mostly guys) and have only had 1 or 2 truly horrible encounters.
I met my hubby online too.
Carolyns last blog post..Two days without rage
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