In the past few weeks I have been getting a lot of emails and comment form questions about being adopted. I know in the past I have made mention of it and the fact that I am quite content being an adoptee. However, as it has been proven in the past, those itty bitty comments brings out all the psychos and I end up having some great debate about adoption. I don’t know how many times I can say it, but just because YOUR experiences with adoption were horrible does not mean everyone has had the same bad experience. My biological mother or birth mother or natural mother - whatever you want to call her - was a deranged lunatic, and so me being adopted was a HUGE blessing. It’s also not a secret that I have been struggling with infertility for YEARS. The cause is unknown, I get pregnant, have a miscarriage… wash, rinse, repeat. I’m used to it. I used to keep a blog documenting it, but that along with the anti-adoption lunies made me decide to just no longer talk about my life as a woman who at the time was in a major self struggle to have a child. Only those who are in my immediate circle know anything about whether I have a child, and if I do whether he/she was conceived naturally or adopted. It’s pretty sad that because people are losers that some things still have to remain taboo on my very own blog.
Anyway, most of the questions are the same as I always get so I found an old FAQ post I had done about my adoption story and so I am going to repost it.
As always, ask any additional questions in the comments and I promise to answer them.
When did you learn you were adopted?
I was told I was adopted when I was so small that I can barely remember it. But when I was younger (as most of you already know) my mother would talk about my adoption often and tell me I was special because I was chosen. It was never a secret in my family.
But what about your other life? What about the truths that were kept from you?
Ummm, the only person who has lied to me in this whole adoption thing was my birth mother. I don’t think I have any other life. I am living the one I was meant to live.
Why are you so quick to believe your amom over your nmom?
After much thinking about what the heck an amom and nmom are, I figured one was adopted and the other natural maybe? If that is the case, I must say again, it is isn’t about who I choose to believe. I KNOW the truth. My mother has never said anything negative about L. In fact, she gave me some nice reasons as to why she may have left me. It was L herself who poisoned my views on her when she couldn’t distinguish fact from fiction.
Why do you seem so angry with your mother?
I am not angry with either of my mothers. I am just not very fond of the woman who gave me life.
I have heard that infertility is brought on by a woman who hasn’t taken care of herself. Maybe if you think hard you will remember an STD you had or maybe you are too old and should just give up. You have no right trying to steal other womens babies.
Oh, aren’t you precious and naive. For starters, if you stop and think about your question/statement, you will see how ignorant it is. ALL infertility is caused by an STD or old age? Once again, we are faced with that black and white mentality that I keep talking about. Nothing is that simple. Secondly, I am not trying to steal anyones baby. I am not running around in the K-Mart parking lot knocking women over their heads and taking their newborns. Sorry to disappoint you.
I lost my child when I was 17 and thank the stars I got her back! We are now living happily together just as it should have been all along. People like you just make me SICK!
Uh huh. If you lost her, then yes, I am happy to hear you were reunited. But, something tells me that in your world lost means you gave her up for adoption. Something I don’t understand is how people can be so angry at ME for 1) being a happy adoptee and 2) wanting to adopt a child myself. Why are they not angry at their MOTHERS or whoever it was that “forced” them to give up their child. Your anger is greatly misplaced. I had nothing to do with that adoption that happened a trillion years ago. Maybe instead of emailing me, you should be out trying to fix the adoption system… ever think about that?
I am adopted too and I wanted you to know that I am very happy adoptee.
That is great to hear. Glad to know I am not the only one.
Don’t you think you are in denial?
Absolutely not. I have read all of the anti-adoption literature and nothing they describe relates to me. My parents never made me feel like an outsider, my siblings did not get better treatment, I was never denied my history, nothing of the sort.
Blood is thicker than water. You should be ashamed of yourself for believing the others. At least I know better.
From the time I was small, my mother sat me down and had the long adoption conversation with me. She told me the circumstances, she told me what I was named, she told me everything. As I grew up, no one treated me differently. I wasn’t pointed out as the ADOPTED child. In fact, no one knew outside of the family knew and I always found it humorous when people said we looked so much alike.
No one ever erased my history. I knew at 5 that I was a mixed child. I was raised by mixed parents. I was encouraged to learn different languages and be expressive. No one ever took away my name. I know my birth name, and have known it as far back as I can remember. My parents told me I could change it if I wanted - which I never did… I enjoy being Monique. All of the things that relate to your experience does not relate to mine. We have nothing in common when it comes to adoption outside of the fact that we are both adopted.
My husband is not adopted and can relate MORE to the anti-adoption scenarios than I can. As the youngest child, and a big WHOOPS after his mother thought she was done having children, the treatment of him has been out of line since as far back as he can remember. As an adult he feels misplaced and unable to relate to them in any way. He would love nothing more than to be “someone else”. Having lived with his NATURAL MOTHER did not make his life any better. Being brought up by a woman who says she wishes he was never born does not make his life all good and knee slapping happy. Bloodlines mean zilch if you, as a parent, suck.
However, when it comes to me, my life is all good. I am eternally grateful to God for giving me the life He did. All of my trials and tribulations have been nothing but a blessing. Every obstacle turned into a step which led me to fulfillment and joy. I am still growing and climbing those steps, and each day reveals an even better and stronger me.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
WOW! I am so shocked (though I guess I shouldn’t be) at the immense ignorance of people. The audacity to say some of the things they say to you! I’m glad you are a happy adoptee. I can tell you have a good mom (and I mean your adoptive mom or amom - hehe).
I’m not adopted, but I have a step-dad. In a way, I think it’s somewhat similar. I don’t like my biological father (or sperm donor as I like to call him). I get a lot of attitude from people when they hear this. They think I should love him and like him just because he’s my father, but people don’t know anyone’s realy life, do they?
Therefore, we shouldn’t judge each other.
I’d like to know this. If people are so anti-adoption, what do the propose we do with all of the children that are abandoned or given up? Should we send them to Neverland to raise themselves? Leave them in Orphanages (do they even still have those here?)?
I intend to adopt one day. I’d like to have a child, because I’d like to know what it feels like to be pregnant, but if that does or doesn’t happen, I intend to adopt several children (just call me Angelina - though I will adopt babies from right here). There are SO many kids out there that need love. Not just babies handed over at birth, there are toddlers, middle school kids, teenagers. They ALL need love.
How can any we be against giving them love?
~Kelly
http://www.30somethingandsearching.today.com/
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As a newer reader of your blog I didn’t know about any of this. But I have to say you have an AMAZING story. I’m so sorry you’ve struggled with infertility. And I for one, wish you only the best!
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I find the majority of these comments appalling! I am so glad you were adopted by loving parents and you consider it a blessing. It’s so nice to see someone who appreciates being adopted into a good family. I’m sure there are others around who feel blessed to have been adopted as well, but we seldom hear of the good things. My parents took in three foster children so they could stay together until their parents could take care of them properly. We were all within 2 years of each other and grew up together all through school.
Although they were not adopted, they had a loving home and parents who met their needs. After reading several books about abuse, alcoholism and poverty, I can only imagine what their lives would have been like had the social workers not intervened, but I know it would have been no where near as good.
Oh my god! I had NO idea that adoptees were faced with such discrimination and bitterness! I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that bullshit. What I cant figure out is why anyone on earth could be “made sick” or think you should be ashamed for wanting to adopt/being adopted…firstly, you want to be a mom and the people who gave their children up for adoption did not! and secondly, you didn’t choose to be put up for adoption!
Of course you know all this, but I am just appalled that people could be so hateful to you about these issues!
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Amazing. I’m not adopted, and I’ve always thought of adoption in the most positive light — pairing a child in need with a parent in need, and that the ability to love, nurture and protect has nothing to do with bloodlines. Maybe I’m naive.
Thanks for sharing your story, and may the idiots keep their distance this time.
I was adopted too, and my mom is the woman who raised me to be a good and honest and responsible person with as much love as any child could ever need. I always knew I was adopted, and my mom loved to tell the story of the first time she saw me as much as I do today. My mom could never give birth to a child of her own because a childhood ailment left her sterile. But I can think of no woman in the world who was MORE meant to be a mother than mine. I’m lucky she chose me. And so are my own children.
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@ Kelly - When I have asked them what they suggest happen to the unwanted children they ignore my questions. I guess in their world, there is no such thing as an unwanted child. And while my biological mother made the effort to get me back a few months after I was born, her behavior over the past 15 years has made it more than clear that she did not want me. No matter how much I try, no part of me can (or will) latch on to the idea of she and ever having had a good life together. So why would I ever bother “pretending” that something else is going on?
@ chat blanc - Thank you! And honestly, all they did was make me stronger.
@ Karen - In the crazy people’s work, even foster care is wrong. And just like you said, where would those kids have ended up if your parents had not been there? Or even another family??
@ Athena - To them, there is no such thing as a woman NOT wanting her baby. It’s illogical and just not possible.
@ Haley - You are not naive. I am almost certain I’d be dead or on drugs or something horrific had I not been adopted. Being adopted saved my life. Granted, there are a lot of things that are screwed up with the adoption process, and I know in a lot of cases it doesn’t always turn out for the best. But I am nothing like that.
My sister fostered a little baby girl from the age of 2 days old to 6 months, but couldn’t adopt her because the birth mother knew too much about them where they lived etc and even though she was never getting her back because she didn’t change her lifestyle, my sister couldn’t keep the baby because of that.
Blood is not always thicker than water and you don’t have to be blood related to love someone, I loved that little girl just as much as I love my nephews and can only hope that she was adopted by a nice family.
Sorry about the losers hijacking your blog!
I have a sister that was adopted out when she was born. We have the same mother but different fathers. She loved her adoptive parents whom are deceased now. It is strange how it came about that she found us. It has been a couple of years now. She looks like me and our mother. I would much prefer a child to be adopted out than be mistreated by the natural parents. Although my sister would not have been mistreated. There were circumstances that caused my mama to adopt out my sister. We have have always known about it. I might post about it.
Carol
Hi, nice post. I can relate to this to my brother who was adopted too. We treat him like our own brother and treated us like sisters too. He was happy to have family who loves and supports him.
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Wow! I was not even aware people discriminated on happy adoptees like that. How absolutely ridiculous.
It’s so surprising sometimes the things people pick to be closed-minded and ignorant about.
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Would it be horrible of me to say that I’m glad that you were adopted, and that you’ve experienced what you have because it’s made you who you are and I LOVE who you are - a strong, confident, funny person… Of course I wouldn’t *wish* a hard life on anyone, but I’m just saying I’m glad it’s made you who you are.
As for ignorant people… I’ve given up trying to figure it out or even getting upset over it. I just always assume people are ignorant until they prove me otherwise and just try to be understanding. It’s much better for my stress levels that way.
BTW, someone really close to me is also adopted and he hasn’t even met his real parents but there have never been any bad feelings between them, it’s more just lack of opportunity. *sigh* people need to stop ASSuming things! hehehe
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I don’t think people judge you, really, because you are happy, or happy that you were adopted. What may tend to get under people’s skin is that there seems to be a disregard for adoptees who did not have the same success with adoption as you did (and this could be a perception, not what you believe).
Many adoptees have learned about the horrors of adoption, such as their mothers being tied to hospital beds or drugged up so they wouldn’t cause problems; like wanting to keep their child. There are stories about mothers that were told their babies died, but instead were taken and adopted. Many adoptees had happy childhoods, but still find it difficult being adopted. Some were silenced over and over by their adoptive parents for wanting to know their own identity - you know the old line, we’re you’re parents, we raised you… What could be more natural than wanting to know who your own mother and father are? How frustrating can it be when no one will tell you?
Most adoptees did not know their mother’s name or their own birth name while growing up - most still don’t know. It’s against the law in most American states for adopted persons to know who their parents are, what their ethnicity is, who their relatives are and so on. Some adoptees struggle endlessly post-reunion - some are rejected by their natural families. Certainly, you can understand how all this can cause a person to have distaste for the practice of adoption, and why some people do not view adoption as something to be celebrate or be happy about?
Some adoptees struggle more than others do with the loss of their parents and identity. Some adoptees don’t care to know anything about their past or how they came to be adopted (adoption secrecy laws don’t help!). Some want to change adoption laws and bring truth to the unethical practices of adoption, and not be judged for that or have their truths compared to happy adoptee stories. It’s not about who’s happy and who’s not. I don’t think anyone is attacking “you” rather the idea that you may be viewed as dismissing others’ experiences. Easy for me to say, but don’t take it personally - it’s really not about you or your life, but about adoption laws and practices.
aaahhh people are more uncomfortable with your situation than you are. everybody can save their negative talk and just mind their own business.
I feel this way about my father: I am not angry with him, just not very fond of him. I speak to him, when I see him.
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These people who are pissed at you, for whatever reason, are pissing me off. They should keep their idiotic comments to themselves.
I can’t even believe you replied to them so rationally.
Now I’m ticked…
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People can be so rude! My mother was adopted and I think that adopting children is a great thing. There are many mistreated children out there that need loving homes. Honestly I had no idea that there were anti adoptionist out there.
Um, no she di’nt! On this question I just had to stop and comment. It began this way and I can’t even paste the rest of it…
“I have heard that infertility is brought on by a woman who hasn’t taken care of herself.”
I cannot believe some people will be so arrogant and uninformed as to leave a question such as that one. Would that person have said that *to your face*? I don’t think so.
If you can’t leave a comment that you would gladly say to a person’s face, don’t leave the comment. Are there really people in the world who are so naive to think that certain issues (infertility, disease, etc.) are actually brought on because of something a person did not do correctly — like pray hard enough to God.
Grrr.
And the blood is thicker than water person. Hold me back right now. Blood relatives have no right to sh*t all over a family member simply because of the fact they are related (screams in frustration, jumps up and down, becomes a freaking lunatic).
I am dealing with this issue right now and I get so freakin’ tired of people who do not know the full story (though I have provided enough information to give an accurate picture) and then say, but blood is thicker than water. You *have* to have a relationship with your father.
No. No I don’t.
Okay, I’m sorry this has become all about me. I just can’t get over the people out there who cannot disagree *respectfully.*
Leaving now. And I appreciate the full disclosure and insight into your particular situation.
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Wow. I would have never thought there would be so much damned controversy over adoption. What the hell? I am glad you posted this - but I am sorry you have had to endure so much shit over it. If you’re happy and you’re adopted, good for you! And as far as adopting one or some of your own - good for you! Why does it have to matter to other people? You are living this life for you, and as long as YOU are happy, I say effing good for you! I never would have known there were that many lunatics out there that were anti-adoption, or that would give you crap about wanting to adopt, or have children by other means. This post just really caught me by surprise!
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People can be rude and are very quick to judgement, especially when they don’t know the whole story. What the hell difference does it make anyhow, if you were adopted or not. I’m adopted also, but my mother raised and chose me just like they chose you. I am who I am and God says to help those who can’t help themselves. If you want to help a young baby and give it life and a reason to live, to show love and raised the baby to be a great individual then so be it. It is your choice and your right. Probably the people who think they are too good for that are the ones with the judgement. Probably the same people who go to church and claims they are Christians are the ones who object. If that is the case, then they truely are hypocritics. You can see I have a passion for this too. I get very upset when it comes to children. They can’t fight for themselves, they need warm, caring individuals like yourself to help them. You go girl.
Pkayfit
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wow. what a wonderfully amazingly honest post. I have a friend that was adopted and this post really helps me to understand why she feels the way she does sometimes. Thanks for this intimate look into your life
xxoo
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It’s just wonderful to hear from someone who doesn’t have a horror story about adoption. Keep your joy alive, it helps make you the beautiful person that you are.
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Jeez, some people need to get with the world! As another happy adoptee, (I, too, have known al my life, I have another brother who was adopted and two “surprise” siblings who came along that other way later on…) I am totally shocked that people can be so ignorant and judgmental. If you get tired of them, send a few along my way… I’ll be glad to help straighten their sorry asses out!
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Wow, so much stupidity! This is a great post idea though, a FAQ for your blog- I may steel the idea as I am also getting many stupid questions. Don’t let those ignorant losers keep you from sharing YOUR story.
Opps, I wrote steel instead of steal… My bad!
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Would it be better if all children that have f*cked up parents stay with their f*cked up parents, so they could be f*cked up too? I think it’s great when loving, caring and responsible people take one or more children under their wings and give them the loving home all children deserve. Not every adoption story is happy go lucky and there are times that a child is better off left with their biological parents, mistakes do occur.
However, I can’t fathom being anti-adoption. People are so quick to judge others and their situations…
Infertility can come from various reasons, one being that it just isn’t meant to be, God has other plans for that woman.
My husband and I were seriously thinking about having another child earlier this year, then in April, I became pregnant. No sooner then we found out was as soon as I lost the baby. After much pain and all of the whys, health issues arose for my husband and myself. I know now that it is not in my best interest to carry any more children and it hurt like hell to accept that, but I have. Besides, we already have 3 together and 1 from a previous relationship of my husband’s. Adoption is definitely a strong possibility for us somewhere down the road.
Were all these people stoned when they e-mailed you? Or just severely mentally retarded?!?! I’ve never in my entire life heard such ridiculous crap. Seriously…I didn’t even know anti-adoption sentiment existed!!!
Adoption can be an amazing and wonderful blessing for both the children and the parents. My friend and coworker went through a very difficult process to adopt their first son. He was a miracle from God as far as they are concerned. They adopted a second little boy and then this year had a baby girl. Who was indeed another miracle.
I would LOVE to adopt. I want to adopt outside of the country - from Africa, Russia, or Asia. But hubby is adamantly against it.
Maybe someday he’ll change his mind. We haven’t exactly popped one out ourselves yet. And he DOES want kids.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with such looney nuts. I think those people need some serious therapy…or meds.
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I should not say this in public, but hoping that this won’t reach my mother I will. I was brought up by my natural mother. I was a wanted child. And yet, every now and then, I wished I hadn’t been born to my mother, who did not get me at all. Who wasn’t supportive of me and my hopes, who valued things I didn’t… Maybe an adopted mother would have been more accepting of our differences, when my mother only wanted me to conform into her ideals of what HER daughter should be like.
So I agree, blood means squat at times. You betcha though, that if my mother HAD been an adopted one, I would have massive dreams about what my real mother was like. I would probably make her out to be an angel. Coincidently, my brother spent years believing he was adopted. (He wasn’t.) He used to repeatedly ask my mother if she was SURE he was her child. Every time he was reassured that he is her child. He still had doubts until his twenties, and we KNOW that we are the natural children of both of our parents, but we still feel disconnected. Funny old world.
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid some people can be - how in the world could people think of adoption as “stealing” or “losing” a child.
I have experience with adoption in many ways - I chose to give up a child when I was very young - extremely poor and no means of support. I never regretted the decision, though the ache never ends, and I never stopped loving the child. A few years later I was diagnosed with cancer, had to have a hysterectomy and could not have any more children. It took me a couple decades to get my life in order, have a stable marriage and home, and we were blessed by being able to adopt our lovely daughter when she was 5 1/2 months old (from China), she is now 12 - we have been perfectly honest with her about everything (age appropriate answers of course) - and I can with all honesty tell her that birth mothers love their children, but there are circumstances sometimes when the decision to place a child for adoption is necessary and that it is one of the greatest gift of love a mother can give her child.
I also have a best friend who adopted - she is 39, and no problems what so ever, though from time to time she is curious. When we met, it was a gift to her as well because hearing from me that “birth mother” side of the story, she was able to realize that she wasn’t “unwanted”.
I don’t talk about our becoming an adoptive family much on my blog. And have never mentioned that fact that I am also a birth mother.
Part of me now is glad I haven’t - because of all the negativity others would just sprew. But the other part of me wants to get on the soap box and take those kinds of people on and shake some sense in to them (but reality is they are just too ignorant to have any sense ever).
I totally agreed with you - bloodlines mean zilch - The family I was born into was born like being raised by wolves, and as a kid I used to pray every day that my “real” parents would find me. I learned as I grew up that you can “pick” your family - my close friends and husband and daughter are my family of choice - I don’t have much to do with my “birth” family. Any one who knows me and knows them, swears I must have been switched at birth and not related to them.
This has turned into a mini novel so let me stop here. Thank you for sharing.
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