Many moons ago, I dated this guy who decided that in order to profess his love for me, he would buy me a skunk. At first, I was apprehensive, but I quickly came to love and appreciate everything Pepe brought to the household. It was very much like having a dog or cat, but yet different. And of course he was descented so that eliminated any worry about either of us getting sprayed. (And yes, they make very good pets.) But my point is, I guess living with a skunk that didn’t smell up my house made me think that humans should be able to keep themselves equally as clean.
Boy was I ever wrong.
Oh My God, What Is That?
I recently was standing in the store and I could smell the faint smell of something “off”. I looked around and didn’t see anything so I smelled myself just to make sure I was still fresh. I passed my own test so I carried on with my shopping. As I rounded the corner, the smell got stronger to the point where I began to feel nauseous. What the hell was that smell?? And then she walked by me.
She looked clean. She looked like she showered before she came out. She looked rather nice actually. They have always said that looks can be deceiving, and she really proved that. Wow. Her odor moved through the store like a virus. It was disgusting. And it lingered… like it attached itself to everything. It was a combination of dead fish and an ashtray. A clear case of B.O.
I couldn’t even finish my shopping… I just had to get out of there.
Stop Talking!!! I Can’t Hold My Breath If You Keep Asking Me Questions!!
I really hate when I get a stinky customer. Please do not come into my office without having showered in the past 24 hours. In fact, I am going to be nice and say 48 hours. You know what, you know the span of time it takes you to need a bath people.
I have someone who frequently comes in and must have some serious smelling problems. Their nose is clearly broken because I have never had them NOT come in and smell like death is stalking them. It’s pretty disgusting. And it seems the worse a customer smells, the friendlier they are. They will lurk around chatting up a storm and acting like we are best friends. No, we are not.
Seriously. Shut Up.
I know that there have been times when I have opened my mouth and quickly realized I shouldn’t have. This discovery usually leads me to brush my teeth or find a piece of gum immediately. Sometimes I try to get away with it because it’s around a loved one, but my friends and family are not kind enough to let me get away with that. They have no qualms about telling me my breath stinks.
It’s become apparent to me that not everyone realizes when they are in need of a toothbrush. Nor, do they have a special someone to tell them either. I know for a fact that if I remain silent and do not open my mouth for more than 30-45 minutes, I am going to need some gum or a mint or a toothbrush or something the second I open my mouth. In my purse right now I have 3 packs of Orbits gum - 2 packs of the special edition Positively Pomegranate and 1 pack of the Maui Melon Mint - plus some mints and other breath sweeteners. It is inevitable that silence leads to halitosis… at least in my case it does. And honestly, everyone else I know has the same issue. Keep mouth closed, stink forms. Thirty minutes later you open it, stink escapes and makes me sick. Oh wow, maybe I just discovered the cure to bad breath! I will create some painful contraption that forces your mouth always be open! Ok, nevermind.
And why is bad breath always so hot? The worse the smell, the hotter the air coming along with it. I have a customer who must have the severest case of halitosis known to mankind. His breath smells like he ate some rotten eggs with garlic along with a side of dog shit. He’s a regular too, so every time I am working, he comes in smiling and talking. Sadly, he also suffers from the ever trusty, “I Smell Bad So We Are Good Friends” syndrome.
Are You Sure Those Were Flowers In That Bottle??
Funk isn’t limited to just bad breath and body odor. It also applies to perfumes and colognes. When you splash on your favorite scent in the morning, and then come home and can still smell it as clear as day, you probably are wearing too much of it. Now I know sometimes we think our favorite perfume is pleasing to others, but it’s usually not. I love love love Versace Woman but not everyone likes the alluring mix of frangipani, jasmine, plum, raspberry, and amber. Hell, reading that makes me not even like it. But nonetheless, that is my scent, but when I wear it I try to do it mildly. I know that when I get in my car, and realize I will need a gas mask to make it to work, I probably put on too much.
The goal of wearing perfume or cologne should be to breeze in and leave your mark without it being overwhelming. If you notice people frowning at you, you’ve failed miserably. If you return to the place where you were breezing and your mark is still there, you’ve failed miserably.
That Time Of The Month Does Not Mean The Time Where We Don’t Wash Down There
I will touch on this briefly, because I don’t want to cause any guys to go running and screaming into the wilderness. But girls, you know that during “that time” you have to take extra care to make sure you are smelling like roses. I personally think deodorized anything down in that area makes it worse, and frankly, I do not want to smell that as is. So adding something to it is just wrong. Nothing is more repulsive to me than minding my business, and getting a whiff of a woman’s monthly business. Ugh. When I was younger, my grandma used to tell me that you shouldn’t shower when you have your period because it would “clog” you up. I always thought the woman was crazy1 so I never listened to her. I hope no one else is listening to their crazy grandma’s either.
Keep Your Dignity, Bathe!
Here are a few suggestions as to how to make it through the day without killing someone with your funk:
- Get yourself a “Sniffing Buddy”. Make an oath to each other that if one of you stinks that you’ll be honest to each other about it. Get a “Back-up Sniff Buddy” too in case your first buddy isn’t around.
- Limit the quantity of rotten eggs and garlic with a side of dog shit you eat.
- Limit your good stinks too. You may like it, but half a bottle of your favorite barf-ume doesn’t equal a good time for the rest of us.
- Throw your gas mask away and take a self sniff whenever possible.
And finally ….
- Wash your behinds! And fronthinds.
- sorry grandma [↩]
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I smell what you’re steppin in!
I feel for ya with your foul breath customer! yikes! Today I was at the grocery store and walked within 8 feet of a lady whose breath was so bad it was wafting down the aisle toward me. *gag* I hightailed it outta there!
chat blancs last blog post..Uniquely useless sh*t
I once worked Black Friday and this woman came in with her husband to buy a cell phone. She told me, without shame, that she had just finished vomiting. I asked her did she want to go to the ladies room. She said no. Just wanted to talk to me with vomit breath. So, because I couldn’t stand my supervisor, and he didn’t like me, I gave the customer to him as I excused myself feigning a severe urge to pee. I smell your pain.
TeasasTipss last blog post..This Just In: Make $50 Online Right Now
I have had violent and uncontrolled coughing fits as a result of a customers overpowering perfume/ cologne… Even then they didn’t get the picture, or and the time of them month smell is so nasty!
Change those pads often ladies and please continue washing down there, grammie was wrong!
well, not to pick on fat people as I am one, was married to one, and have many in my family, but…. ya know… it’s time to do something about the weight when you can’t reach your “parts” to properly wipe your butt after a number 2, or to wash where the sun don’t shine. Some of the grossest people I’ve had the misfortune of smelling were in the over 350 pound club.
I worked the night shift at a gas station in the mid-80’s, and the pedophile night clerk at the roach motel next door would bring little boys over to buy them snacks. He had to go 450 to 500 pounds, AND HE F*CKING REEKED! You could see the oil and grease dripping off of him, and he smelled like ass, BO, hormones, and the dead thing my dog just rolled in. This was a small store, maybe just 10×10 feet with some chips and a cooler, so when this guy left, his stink would linger for freakin’ ever! I was tired of being tormented, so I devised a plan. Part of my job there was to clean the garage bays and empty the oil and stuff, so when I would see this guy walking up the street, I’d lock the door to the store, turn on the pressure washer, and pretend I couldn’t hear him knocking. He eventually stopped coming around on the nights I worked there.
hpariss last blog post..Buddy Is Having A Contest… Of Sorts. WIN Entrecard Credits and T-Shirts
Yeah.
I have a relative who sprays on perfume every time she uses the bathroom. She thinks that because she can’t smell it, no one else can either.
My mother wears way too much perfume. If she comes over and sits down, I can smell her for days afterward. She, thankfully, smells good. But I do ask her not to wear perfume if we are going to be in the same car for a while.
Back when I was having a former HS friend come by and Witness to me about the Jehovah incident, I’d always offer her gum or a mint for her fecal matter scented breath. Poor girl never got the hint.
If someone offers you a mint, TAKE IT! Even if you don’t feel like it!!!
Angelikas last blog post..Thursday Thirteen - 7/31/08
i had a similar incident last sunday. the person looked clean but smelled funky. the smell punched me in my face.
a man just sued a casino cause he stinked so bad the other people complained. when he asked for a free room and was denied, he decided to sue. he said he knows he stinks but he likes black jack and had been playing for hours.
Naturals last blog post..A Fish Out of Water, Literally
I love the picture of the stunk you chose to go with this post. I normally don’t bother reading long posts like this but that picture caught my eye and I couldn’t resist. It was very smart of you to break it into smaller sections because it kept me going. Great post about a touchy subject!
Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”s last blog post..Our Big Wall Chalkboard
“His breath smells like he ate some rotten eggs with garlic along with a side of dog shit.”
A few days ago, I had to tolerate the similar thing, I think this is the worst type of shit which someone can smell in the whole life.
I know where your coming from. There is nothing in the world worse than BO. I have been around people like that and you just can’t breathe. I think it is a shame that people don’t have any respect for their person to at least keep it clean for goodness sake. I think they just don’t care about themselves or anyone else either. Great post about what most people would think but not say.
Ladyhawkcjs last blog post..When It Rains It Pours
ba ha ha ha ha ha OMG!!!
I will admit something here…in public and out in the open.
I HATE taking a shower on the weekends. Seriously. If I can get away with it I will NOT shower all weekend…meaning that I go from morning shower on Friday to morning shower on Monday.
So far hubby has not told me that I am stinky (and trust me, he would!). But I definitely don’t *feel* clean. I feel grubby. And I dress grubby. I’m sure people think I’m half bag lady. Not to mention when I use my coupons. They probably think I live in a shack somewhere. LOL
I’m great a camping because I am so low maintenance. I don’t need to wash my hair or even change my clothes!!! hahahahahaha
Having said that…there’s no way in hell I’d go to work without showering. I don’t mind offending strangers at the grocery store with my oily (and yet somehow frizzy at the same time) hair.
Oh…and hubby ALWAYS tells me if my “time” is causing his nose discomfort. Hahahahaha Cracks me up.
castocreationss last blog post..Successful Shopping - Saving 87%
Oh, stinky people are the WORST. I had to stand in line next to a guy who smelled like fried garbage — when it’s that bad, I literally cannot keep myself from pulling my shirt up over my nose. I don’t care. I can’t live like that.
Too much stank perfume is almost as bad as bad BO. Stank perfume OVER stank BO: just kill them.
JD at I Do Thingss last blog post..I Am LATE so you don’t have to be
I get people ALL the time whose breath is so bad! I can’t believe how many people apparently leave the house in the morning and forget to brush their teeth.. because it’s like morning dragon breath breathing on me (yes.. when it stinks, it seems much warmer, doesn’t it?)
And the body odor.. I will literally step back from my counter (and my counter is 3 feet deep as it is) because people think they don’t stink (and then to add insult to injury, some will even lean in on my counter.. sharing the stench even more).
And the “that time of the month” smell.. oh please.. gross.. wash it don’t disguise it.. washing is a good thing.. really!
Great post, btw.. a favorite of mine for sure!
Sometimes serious illness will cause a person to have body odor. Some cancers do and so does diabetes. It’s because of poor circulation to the extremities. No amount of washing, deodorant or perfume will take care of an odor caused by illness.
That doesn’t make it any the less objectionable, but perhaps it may make you more charitable about how you handle your reaction.
Yes there are some just down and nasty people who don’t wash and don’t care, but then there are these who don’t deserve your scorn or ridicule.
ê¿ê
Margarets last blog post..Savvy by Ingrid Law
@ chat blanc - Just reading that made me want to hurl, lol.
@ TeasasTips - How rude! (Not you, her.
)
@ Diva - I think the perfume/cologne is one of the worst offense. It usually leaves me with a major headache.
@ hparis - That is so foul! I am glad you found a way to deter him from coming around.
@ Angelika - I know! I don’t get why when someone offers you some gum or a mint why anyone would turn it down. They just might be trying to be subtle in letting you know you need it.
@ Natural - I heard about the casino guy… 17 hours of blackjack and he never thought to maybe take a break and clean up? Ewww.
@ Karen - It is a touchy subject… but we all know I don’t know how to shy away from those. lol
@ Harry - It is bad. And sadly, I saw my guy yesterday.
@ Lady - As someone stated somewhere in these comments, it is a touchy subject and not all people can control it, but those who CAN definitely need to.
@ Casto - Not all people need to shower everyday! So, you might be fortunate to be able to roam the streets and smell ok after not bathing for three days. It’s a good thing you have a man who WILL tell you when you need one though.
@ JD - Fried garbage. Oh god I can not stop laughing at that one.
@ Judi - I have a friend who never brushes her teeth in the morning. And every time I see her we have that same “oh girl, use a toothbrush” conversation. She claims she just doesn’t remember sometimes, and when she does, she doesn’t always have time. WTF!
@ Margaret - Well, for starters, thank you for your honesty, not everyone would be willing to do that here. But I must say that for the most part, my everyday customers share all aspects of their lives with me since they have the “We are Best Friends” syndrome I spoke of. If they had cancer or diabetes or anything else, they would have told me.
Additionally, diabetes is very prominent in my family. I am the only female out of several cousins, my mother, my grandmother and Aunts who does not use insulin to control my diabetes. None of them have ever smelled - at least with me around - and in the multiple visits and concerns that my Dr’s and I have expressed, they have never spoke to me about it the possibility of body odor.
Anyway, I could go on, but I don’t want to make this comment into a mini post. So, again, thank you for stopping by and commenting… I really do appreciate it. And as for not ridiculing people who don’t deserve it, I think that’s just human nature. We talk about people. And this time, it’s just me talking about people who smell… 90% of which I am sure are not sick. Just lazy.
K, this post is REALLY mean to me. It’s WAAY too long and has WAAY too many points that I want to comment on. But because my short term memory is non-existent. I will have to just comment on the things I can remember. You used to have a skunk?! Or do you still have said skunk? Uhm… I don’t know why I haven’t been exposed to this lately but I know I’m really glad!
Thanks for the laugh
Fools last blog post..Signature - and behavior-based protection technology.
Your last line reminded me of this little ditty:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MWi7MPQBKQ
I’m a perfume junkie, myself, but try to be mindful of wearing too much. Oddly, while I love a nice perfume, I cannot STAND Yankee Candles. If I go anywhere near one of those stores, I get a migraine.
LisaMcCs last blog post..It was pretty good cheesecake, though…
Oh my god. This was a very funny read. Kind of reminded me of a Sienfeld episode where Jerrys car was taken over my some mid-evil B.O.
I dont think I would or could ever have a skunk for a pet.
I can relate having been in similar situations. I don’t understand why some people smell SO BAD. Cant they smell themselves? Dont they have any friends that will tell them how much they smell?
and dont even get me started on the breath thing. UGH. GAG.
meleah rebeccahs last blog post..Happy 1st Blog-iversary Drowsey Monkey
I hate bad breath! I always brush my tongue, the dentist recommended it, unfortunately if your over zealous with the tongue brushing and go to far back it sets off your gag reflex!
So yep I am so dedicated to not having bad breath, i puke! Then have to brush my teeth again.
I think you should of written a stink series
I so understand your pain. I work in the tech industry, and there have been several occasions where I have had the “Stinky Kid” on my team. Guys who had such bad BO that it made your eyes water to talk to them. They peeled paint off the walls when they walked by. Their chairs were taped off by HAZMAT. How can you not know. Even if your nose was missing completely, you don’t notice everyone takes 3 steps back when you come up? That you get offered gum and mints every 2 seconds? What’s even scarier - one of these guys had a HOT girlfriend….and she always smelled good. I guess love isn’t always just blind, sometimes it has no sense of smell.
Mandis last blog post..20 Great Responses to Terrible Pick-Up Lines
Hi?
How was the skunk as a pet? Any luck with litter training? I’ve never even thought of owning a skunk before but now that have read your post the idea has crossed my mind. I’m huge animal lover but litter training is extremely important to me! I wouldn’t want to lock him/her up in a cage all of the time.
I loved this post! Sometimes I swear people’s noses are broken. And I have a thing about smells. Whether it’s bad breath or smelling like an ash tray or just BO. Or worse…when someone who’s already smelling terrible with BO adds to the funk with some cologne! Just take a shower! That’s just so wrong.
u know, some people stink because of a disease. I know some1 like that, she bathes everyday, but still stinks. So lets be a little understanding k.
Leave a Comment