Many moons ago, I dated this guy who decided that in order to profess his love for me, he would buy me a skunk. At first, I was apprehensive, but I quickly came to love and appreciate everything Pepe brought to the household. It was very much like having a dog or cat, but yet different. And of course he was descented so that eliminated any worry about either of us getting sprayed. (And yes, they make very good pets.)  But my point is, I guess living with a skunk that didn’t smell up my house made me think that humans should be able to keep themselves equally as clean.

Boy was I ever wrong.

Oh My God, What Is That?

I recently was standing in the store and I could smell the faint smell of something “off”. I looked around and didn’t see anything so I smelled myself just to make sure I was still fresh. I passed my own test so I carried on with my shopping. As I rounded the corner, the smell got stronger to the point where I began to feel nauseous. What the hell was that smell?? And then she walked by me.

She looked clean. She looked like she showered before she came out. She looked rather nice actually. They have always said that looks can be deceiving, and she really proved that. Wow. Her odor moved through the store like a virus. It was disgusting. And it lingered… like it attached itself to everything. It was a combination of dead fish and an ashtray. A clear case of B.O.

I couldn’t even finish my shopping… I just had to get out of there.

Stop Talking!!! I Can’t Hold My Breath If You Keep Asking Me Questions!!

I really hate when I get a stinky customer. Please do not come into my office without having showered in the past 24 hours. In fact, I am going to be nice and say 48 hours. You know what, you know the span of time it takes you to need a bath people.

I have someone who frequently comes in and must have some serious smelling problems. Their nose is clearly broken because I have never had them NOT come in and smell like death is stalking them. It’s pretty disgusting. And it seems the worse a customer smells, the friendlier they are. They will lurk around chatting up a storm and acting like we are best friends. No, we are not.

Seriously. Shut Up.

I know that there have been times when I have opened my mouth and quickly realized I shouldn’t have. This discovery usually leads me to brush my teeth or find a piece of gum immediately. Sometimes I try to get away with it because it’s around a loved one, but my friends and family are not kind enough to let me get away with that. They have no qualms about telling me my breath stinks.

It’s become apparent to me that not everyone realizes when they are in need of a toothbrush.  Nor, do they have a special someone to tell them either.  I know for a fact that if I remain silent and do not open my mouth for more than 30-45 minutes, I am going to need some gum or a mint or a toothbrush or something the second I open my mouth. In my purse right now I have 3 packs of Orbits gum - 2 packs of the special edition Positively Pomegranate and 1 pack of the Maui Melon Mint - plus some mints and other breath sweeteners.  It is inevitable that silence leads to halitosis… at least in my case it does. And honestly, everyone else I know has the same issue. Keep mouth closed, stink forms. Thirty minutes later you open it, stink escapes and makes me sick. Oh wow, maybe I just discovered the cure to bad breath! I will create some painful contraption that forces your mouth always be open! Ok, nevermind.

And why is bad breath always so hot? The worse the smell, the hotter the air coming along with it. I have a customer who must have the severest case of halitosis known to mankind. His breath smells like he ate some rotten eggs with garlic along with a side of dog shit. He’s a regular too, so every time I am working, he comes in smiling and talking. Sadly, he also suffers from the ever trusty, “I Smell Bad So We Are Good Friends” syndrome.

Are You Sure Those Were Flowers In That Bottle??

Funk isn’t limited to just bad breath and body odor. It also applies to perfumes and colognes. When you splash on your favorite scent in the morning, and then come home and can still smell it as clear as day, you probably are wearing too much of it. Now I know sometimes we think our favorite perfume is pleasing to others, but it’s usually not. I love love love Versace Woman but not everyone likes the alluring mix of frangipani, jasmine, plum, raspberry, and amber. Hell, reading that makes me not even like it. But nonetheless, that is my scent, but when I wear it I try to do it mildly. I know that when I get in my car, and realize I will need a gas mask to make it to work, I probably put on too much.

The goal of wearing perfume or cologne should be to breeze in and leave your mark without it being overwhelming. If you notice people frowning at you, you’ve failed miserably. If you return to the place where you were breezing and your mark is still there, you’ve failed miserably.

That Time Of The Month Does Not Mean The Time Where We Don’t Wash Down There

I will touch on this briefly, because I don’t want to cause any guys to go running and screaming into the wilderness. But girls, you know that during “that time” you have to take extra care to make sure you are smelling like roses. I personally think deodorized anything down in that area makes it worse, and frankly, I do not want to smell that as is. So adding something to it is just wrong. Nothing is more repulsive to me than minding my business, and getting a whiff of a woman’s monthly business. Ugh. When I was younger, my grandma used to tell me that you shouldn’t shower when you have your period because it would “clog” you up. I always thought the woman was crazy¹ so I never listened to her. I hope no one else is listening to their crazy grandma’s either.

Keep Your Dignity, Bathe!

Here are a few suggestions as to how to make it through the day without killing someone with your funk:

• Get yourself a “Sniffing Buddy”.  Make an oath to each other that if one of you stinks that you’ll be honest to each other about it.  Get a “Back-up Sniff Buddy” too in case your first buddy isn’t around.
• Limit the quantity of rotten eggs and garlic with a side of dog shit you eat.
• Limit your good stinks too. You may like it, but half a bottle of your favorite barf-ume doesn’t equal a good time for the rest of us.
• Throw your gas mask away and take a self sniff whenever possible.

And finally ….

• Wash your behinds! And fronthinds.

1. sorry grandma [↩]