In the wonderful state of Texas, there is this city called Dallas, which is near where I live. I am not sure if this is true for all of Texas, but Dallas and its surrounding areas has a lot of idiots. Like seriously dumb ass people. People that make me afraid to leave the house some days.

When I moved to Texas, I was expecting to see a different world… like a scene straight out of Dallas. I wanted someone to welcome me by sending me a plaid shirt and a 10 gallon hat. I thought I’d meet charming people like Gomer and Barney Fife. I expected to go line dancing, and eat cheap steaks every night. I wanted to meet some red necks with crazy accents that I’d need a translator understand.

However, my eyes were opened bigger than silver dollar pancakes on a Texas spring morning.¹

The people here are just crazy! For example, they make u-turns when their lights are red. They love to drive farm equipment down really busy streets. They also take a kick out of bicycling on major roads where cars are zooming by at 55 mph, and there is no shoulder.  And good lord, there are a gazillion of those emo kids running around. I would have thought that Texas kids would be wearing boots and cowboy hats. And there are a so many gay men here² That’s not at all what I expected in Dallas.³

Anyway, because I get to endure so much of this shit on a daily basis, I decided I would do a weekly post called “Thank You For Being Stupid” which highlights some of the fun and exciting things about Texas that make living here such a treat.Think of it like some undercover expose. Dallas Revealed!⁴

Exhibit A

A few days ago, I was riding along a really busy road, minding my business when I looked up and spotted a lovely scene. It was a father and daughter riding along together chitchatting back and forth. She looked to be about 10 or so, and rather cute.  Normally, I would think nothing of this except that this lovely duo was on a moped.

Now let me explain the situation. This road is one of the main roads through town. It’s three lanes of traffic both ways, people speeding along at 50 mph. Not a very safe place for an adult on a motorcycle, much less a kid on a moped.

Yes, she is wearing shorts, she also had on flip flops. Notice he is a genius for not sporting any type of protection. While they were riding along, the little girl would remove her hands from his waist and rest them on her knees. He spent a lot of time looking back at her talking and pointing at different things/people/places. I wanted to pull up and yell at them but I didn’t.⁵ You could tell everyone else was taken aback by it as well because no one would get near them unless we were at a light. I can not for the life me begin to imagine what this man was thinking. Clearly not much or else she wouldn’t have been riding with him.

So, to this dad, and his poor daughter… Thank you for being stupid.

1. thought I’d try out some Texas slang, how’d I do? [↩]
2. not that there is anything wrong with that [↩]
3. when I was getting my tattoo, this guy walks in with QUEER in bold letters tattooed down his arm. i was like what the f… [↩]
4. cheesy, i know [↩]
5. i refrained because my choice of verbage would definitely have fallen into the XXX rating. i am not good at all at keeping my cursing within a G rating [↩]