From the monthly archives:

July 2008

Excuse Me Miss, But Um.. You Stink

by Monique on July 30, 2008


Many moons ago, I dated this guy who decided that in order to profess his love for me, he would buy me a skunk. At first, I was apprehensive, but I quickly came to love and appreciate everything Pepe brought to the household. It was very much like having a dog or cat, but yet different. And of course he was descented so that eliminated any worry about either of us getting sprayed. (And yes, they make very good pets.)  But my point is, I guess living with a skunk that didn’t smell up my house made me think that humans should be able to keep themselves equally as clean.

Boy was I ever wrong.

Oh My God, What Is That?

I recently was standing in the store and I could smell the faint smell of something “off”. I looked around and didn’t see anything so I smelled myself just to make sure I was still fresh. I passed my own test so I carried on with my shopping. As I rounded the corner, the smell got stronger to the point where I began to feel nauseous. What the hell was that smell?? And then she walked by me.

She looked clean. She looked like she showered before she came out. She looked rather nice actually. They have always said that looks can be deceiving, and she really proved that. Wow. Her odor moved through the store like a virus. It was disgusting. And it lingered… like it attached itself to everything. It was a combination of dead fish and an ashtray. A clear case of B.O.

I couldn’t even finish my shopping… I just had to get out of there.

Stop Talking!!! I Can’t Hold My Breath If You Keep Asking Me Questions!!

I really hate when I get a stinky customer. Please do not come into my office without having showered in the past 24 hours. In fact, I am going to be nice and say 48 hours. You know what, you know the span of time it takes you to need a bath people.

I have someone who frequently comes in and must have some serious smelling problems. Their nose is clearly broken because I have never had them NOT come in and smell like death is stalking them. It’s pretty disgusting. And it seems the worse a customer smells, the friendlier they are. They will lurk around chatting up a storm and acting like we are best friends. No, we are not.

Seriously. Shut Up.

I know that there have been times when I have opened my mouth and quickly realized I shouldn’t have. This discovery usually leads me to brush my teeth or find a piece of gum immediately. Sometimes I try to get away with it because it’s around a loved one, but my friends and family are not kind enough to let me get away with that. They have no qualms about telling me my breath stinks.

It’s become apparent to me that not everyone realizes when they are in need of a toothbrush.  Nor, do they have a special someone to tell them either.  I know for a fact that if I remain silent and do not open my mouth for more than 30-45 minutes, I am going to need some gum or a mint or a toothbrush or something the second I open my mouth. In my purse right now I have 3 packs of Orbits gum - 2 packs of the special edition Positively Pomegranate and 1 pack of the Maui Melon Mint - plus some mints and other breath sweeteners.  It is inevitable that silence leads to halitosis… at least in my case it does. And honestly, everyone else I know has the same issue. Keep mouth closed, stink forms. Thirty minutes later you open it, stink escapes and makes me sick. Oh wow, maybe I just discovered the cure to bad breath! I will create some painful contraption that forces your mouth always be open! Ok, nevermind.

And why is bad breath always so hot? The worse the smell, the hotter the air coming along with it. I have a customer who must have the severest case of halitosis known to mankind. His breath smells like he ate some rotten eggs with garlic along with a side of dog shit. He’s a regular too, so every time I am working, he comes in smiling and talking. Sadly, he also suffers from the ever trusty, “I Smell Bad So We Are Good Friends” syndrome.

Are You Sure Those Were Flowers In That Bottle??

Funk isn’t limited to just bad breath and body odor. It also applies to perfumes and colognes. When you splash on your favorite scent in the morning, and then come home and can still smell it as clear as day, you probably are wearing too much of it. Now I know sometimes we think our favorite perfume is pleasing to others, but it’s usually not. I love love love Versace Woman but not everyone likes the alluring mix of frangipani, jasmine, plum, raspberry, and amber. Hell, reading that makes me not even like it. But nonetheless, that is my scent, but when I wear it I try to do it mildly. I know that when I get in my car, and realize I will need a gas mask to make it to work, I probably put on too much.

The goal of wearing perfume or cologne should be to breeze in and leave your mark without it being overwhelming. If you notice people frowning at you, you’ve failed miserably. If you return to the place where you were breezing and your mark is still there, you’ve failed miserably.

That Time Of The Month Does Not Mean The Time Where We Don’t Wash Down There

I will touch on this briefly, because I don’t want to cause any guys to go running and screaming into the wilderness. But girls, you know that during “that time” you have to take extra care to make sure you are smelling like roses. I personally think deodorized anything down in that area makes it worse, and frankly, I do not want to smell that as is. So adding something to it is just wrong. Nothing is more repulsive to me than minding my business, and getting a whiff of a woman’s monthly business. Ugh. When I was younger, my grandma used to tell me that you shouldn’t shower when you have your period because it would “clog” you up. I always thought the woman was crazy1 so I never listened to her. I hope no one else is listening to their crazy grandma’s either.

Keep Your Dignity, Bathe!

Here are a few suggestions as to how to make it through the day without killing someone with your funk:

  • Get yourself a “Sniffing Buddy”.  Make an oath to each other that if one of you stinks that you’ll be honest to each other about it.  Get a “Back-up Sniff Buddy” too in case your first buddy isn’t around.
  • Limit the quantity of rotten eggs and garlic with a side of dog shit you eat.
  • Limit your good stinks too. You may like it, but half a bottle of your favorite barf-ume doesn’t equal a good time for the rest of us.
  • Throw your gas mask away and take a self sniff whenever possible.

And finally ….

  • Wash your behinds! And fronthinds.


  1. sorry grandma [↩]

{ 23 comments }

Attention Ladies…

by Monique on July 30, 2008


Is this something all of us women do?1 Do we throw on a shirt and not really think about how many times we bend over and show the world all of our goodies? I really hope I am not, because lord knows I have WAY too much up top to be surprising people with free peep shows.

On and average workday I probably spend 70% of it staring at the women’s tata’s , which frankly, I do not care to see.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do know how to appreciate a nice pair of boobies, just not when they are forced on me at my job. Women just bend over to pick up or put down their purse or hand me a box they have placed on the floor, and I get more than a simple flash. It’s full, bare breast in all their naked glory. Sometimes I can’t help to stare, which one day I am sure I will get busted doing, but for the most part I look away so quick I almost give myself whiplash.

You would think by now that I would be used to my free peep shows, but I am not. Each time it happens I am shocked. And oh, what the hell happened to the days where women wore bras? Am I one of a select few who still depend on my trusty over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder? Over half of my flashers aren’t wearing a bra! And that takes my shock to a whole ‘nother level.

Someone told me I wouldn’t complain as much if it were Angelina Jolie. That’s so not true, and not even the same thing. I can see her work anytime I want to by popping in a DVD or doing a Google search. My DH claims he would love to have my job - of course. But then I reminded him that it would be the equivalent of him constantly having male customer walking up with their dingle dangles hanging out. That’s a sight neither one of us wants to see.

He still wants my job though.


  1. I do not know this woman, never seen her… her picture was just on the interwebs so I figured she would be a good exampl [↩]

{ 24 comments }

She Is Our Miracle

by Monique on July 27, 2008


In light of the recent google searches that have led all the freaks to my blog lately, I decided to do a happy post! Wait, aren’t my posts usually happy?

Anyway, today I am going to talk about my beautiful puppy Milagro, which is Spanish for miracle. I named her that because well, the vet insisted her mother was only going to have 5, and she was number 6. She was so tiny and cute and I instantly knew I was going to keep her. There was not a doubt in my mind about it.

Even though she was the runt, she turned into this precious ball of smartness and ended up being the first one to walk, eat and brave the outdoors to take a “stink stink”.1

Around 2004, Milagro became very sick after we spent a few days out at an RV park with some friends. It started off with her being lethargic, followed by her losing her appetite and then losing control of pretty much all of her motor functions. It was awful. I did some internet searches to see what could be wrong, and we called countless vets which were closed because it was the weekend. I left frantic calls with our own vet, who finally called back early Sunday morning. He had told us she probably had parvo and that he could provide us with a quick and affordable solution for her. For the “bargain basement price of only $85″2 he would “put her down” for us. I was floored, and hurt that this asshole3 would say such a thing to us. He told us parvo was fatal in puppies and we were better off paying $85 instead of hundred or thousands only to end up with the same result.

Naturally, that was not going to work for us, so we continued calling around to see if we could find a vet who would help us. The town we were living in was small, so the choices were limited but finally we found an amazing animal hospital4 that agreed to help us. They told us her chances were slim, but they would try their best. Our other dogs were also sick, but none quite as bad as Milagro so we were able to treat them from home.

After a week of ups and downs, they finally called to tell us that we could bring Milagro home. She looked awful! She was so skinny and smelled like a manure factory. But she was still alive and back home where she belonged.

Being away from us for the week caused her to develop some awful habits like barking and whining. She had never done either before she got sick… and still does both, excessively, to this very day. Oh, and she also is a stalker. The moment I move, she moves too, even if it’s three steps to grab something. I can not recall the last time I was in the bathroom alone. They tell me this behavior is normal for dogs who have extended stays away from home, and hers was pretty traumatic.

She’s grown up to be such a fun dog. She is playful and very very entertaining. She even sits still so I can torture her with silly flowers… even though she looks like she wants to kick my ass.

She loves to play with squeaky toys. Anything that squeaks will hold her attention for hours. And if she is on the move, she will search one out to take with her where ever she is heading. She’s a spoiled dog, so she has almost as many toys as I have shoes.

She also loves wearing those cute little doggy outfits so many people hate.

She enjoys eating “yum yums” and if you act like you are going to steal it, she will act like she is going to bite your fingers off.

She loves to fetch. If you throw a stick or a ball or her “squeaka”, she will run with all her might to catch it. She will usually bring it back to you, but there are times when she tries to hold it hostage so you have to work to get it from her.

I really hope to have this excited little ball of fur around for many, many, many years to come. I can not imagine life without her or her sister Sandy.5


  1. this is my attempt to avoid those OTHER words that seems to attract the freaks [↩]
  2. his exact words [↩]
  3. David Hudson of All Pets in Clovis, NM [↩]
  4. Caprock Veterinary Clinic [↩]
  5. who i will brag about next [↩]

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