It’s Not Easy Being Me.
- Filed under: personal
- Date: Mar 28,2008
I will confess to you now that I have an attitude problem. Jillian got me thinking about this after I read her post about people accepting us for who we are. Most of the people in my life love my loud outspoken ass. They like that I speak my mind and will tell them the truth about anything they ask me. I like to keep it real.
People who don’t know me might say it’s a chip on my shoulder… but it’s not. I just don’t care what other people think about me and the life I live. Frankly, I think I deserve the right to be a moody ‘ol hag when I want to be. After the life I’ve led, it’s about time. It’s not as if I am a disrespectful person… I respect everyone. But I will tell you about yourself real quick if need be.
It took me a long long time to get to the point where I was ok with who I am. It took me getting my ass kicked by some useless man… years of binging and purging only to become an anorexic… and so much more.
It honestly was a waking moment for me. It just hit me in the middle of the night that I didn’t need to put up with all the bullshit I was dealing with. I no longer had to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders trying like hell to make sure I fit in.
I realized that I didn’t need to care anymore. I didn’t care what my parents thought about my weight. I didn’t care what my boyfriend thought about how I looked without any make up on. The transformation wasn’t easy… but it was worth it.
I just started loving myself from the inside out.
Now, I can happily leave my house with a nappy head, or some silly ass winter hat on in the summer. I don’t always need to have make up on to feel good. I can wear bright green shoes with my blue jeans and red top. I can be a size 2 - ok, never the hell again would I want to be that damn skinny but if I wanted to be, it’s ok. And on the flip side, if I want to a fat butt who sits on my sofa all day, then so be it. Who cares? It’s about me now and I love the hell out of myself… and then some.
Don’t get me wrong though, I still have feelings, and words occasionally do hurt. Like, some ass from stumble did a review on one of my posts and all he said was “I bet this bitch is fat”. For a itty bitty second my feelings were hurt, and then I was like “dude please, you wish you had some of this fat ass”. And that’s how I live today.
I’m so much happier in this skin. If someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to deal with it. They don’t have to be my friend which of course would be their loss. I have unlimited long distance with AT&T just so I can be there whenever someone needs me. Does it get much better than that in the friendship department? Oh, I will tell you when you have food in your teeth or a booger in your nose or if you ass looks fat in those jeans. That’s perfect friendship material right there… Not to mention, I’m loyal.
I wish I could pass my self love and awareness to every woman and child I know but that would be pointless. Part of the joy I feel from being alive each day is being able to look back at the struggles I went through to get where I’m at.
And knowing that never again will someone dictate who Monique Renae is or should be. Ever.
