Honey, Is There A Place To Plug In My Curling Iron In The Woods?

• Author: Monique
• Filed under: life, out and about
• Date: Mar 31,2008

My husband and I are going on vacation.

Actually, he is going on vacation… I am going on a stress-filled trip.

He and I have never agreed on what a vacation should consist of. Personally, I think a vacation is time where you do practically nothing. Or at least very little. He however likes to pile our day full of things to do and see.

After working long hours dealing with idiot customers, I want time alone where I don’t see another human, so for me, staying in a 4 star hotel with constant room service sounds perfect!

He works even longer hours than I do, and his idea of perfection is driving 15 hours to go stay in a tent in the mountains.

I don’t like the woods. I am not a nature person. I like looking at nature on the computer, or TV or even books… but frankly, I don’t want to be out in it. It just doesn’t feel right.

I don’t ever want to find myself without hot water, or using leaves for toilet paper or fishing for my meal, or using a fire to heat up anything. That’s just too much work. I can do all of that, and then some at home.

However, we have found a compromise, (which still has me all stressed) and that is we drive 15 hours into the mountains of New Mexico and stay in 2 star hotels. That way I can have running water and a plug for my curling iron (but no room service… yes I’m spoiled). Plus, my husband was so kind he even planned a day or two where I get to do absolutely nothing. I’m not looking forward to the long drive, but I am looking forward to going back to where I used to live (and hate) too see how things have changed. For 6 years, I lived on some drab brown land surrounded by feeding lots and a smell that can not be described by words. People had always said New Mexico was a beautiful place, which I didn’t get to see until right before we left.

So, this trip will allow me to see some more of the beauty that is New Mexico. We are going to Taos, which I love. Plus over to Santa Fe which I have never been to. I think I am most excited about that because from the pictures I have seen of Santa Fe, it’s gorgeous. Of course, I will have my trusty laptop with me so I can update it with pictures and tales from the road. Of course, that’s assuming I am near some place with Wi-Fi.

I guess overall I can’t complain… I do need to get away from Dallas before I go crazy. I only hope that between the cats and our house sitter that the house is still in one piece when we get back.

I’m Going To Diet…

• Author: Monique
• Filed under: personal
• Date: Mar 29,2008

I need to lose some weight… Actually, no I don’t. I want to lose some weight.

In December I turn the big 3-5 (GO CAPRICORNS!) and I have decided that I want to be some sexy hot mama (not that I’m not one now) in a skanky designer dress meant for a 18 year old so I can embarrass my family and friends. Sounds good right?

There’s only one problem though. I just can’t lose the weight.

I don’t step on scales or anything like that because it’s pointless. I just know that when I get to the size I want to be I will fit into the outfit I am drooling over.

I have always believed that I needed a mean trainer who will scream at me and make me feel like utter shit. I do well with anger because it triggers this ’screw you’ mentality within me. That leads to me crying and getting very mad and then going overboard to prove that I can do it. This would only work with a trainer though because they would have my hard earned money and knowing I paid some jackass to make me angry would just piss me off more so then I would have to work harder to get my money’s worth.

Just thinking about that makes me tired.

The truth of the matter is that I shouldn’t need to lose weight. I barely eat anything as is and when I do eat, it takes me an eternity to get through it. A salad from Wendy’s takes me over an hour to eat, and that’s no joke. I have to be the slowest eater on the planet. The last time I completed a meal while it was still hot has to be over 20 years ago.

My doctor’s say that the years I spent torturing my body have contributed to my metabolism absolutely not functioning which has resulted in me being overweight. In order to repair myself, or even to start the repair process, I have to eat 5-7 small meals a day. HA! I can barely tolerate two… I can’t see myself doing FIVE let alone seven.

I tried Weight Watcher’s and that worked nicely for a while. I was losing weight like a good girl, but then my laziness kicked in and I stopped going to meetings. I will confess most of my weight loss came from absolute starvation, which really didn’t feel like I was starving since I wasn’t hungry. That really worries me sometimes because I feel like my old anorexia habits are kicking in and that’s a path I don’t want to go down ever again.

So, I have now come to the conclusion that I will DIE before I ever reach my IT weight… but I think that’s ok. Maybe I can use that designer dress as a scarf.

It’s Not Easy Being Me.

• Author: Monique
• Filed under: personal
• Date: Mar 28,2008

I will confess to you now that I have an attitude problem. Jillian got me thinking about this after I read her post about people accepting us for who we are. Most of the people in my life love my loud outspoken ass. They like that I speak my mind and will tell them the truth about anything they ask me. I like to keep it real.

People who don’t know me might say it’s a chip on my shoulder… but it’s not. I just don’t care what other people think about me and the life I live. Frankly, I think I deserve the right to be a moody ‘ol hag when I want to be. After the life I’ve led, it’s about time. It’s not as if I am a disrespectful person… I respect everyone. But I will tell you about yourself real quick if need be.

It took me a long long time to get to the point where I was ok with who I am. It took me getting my ass kicked by some useless man… years of binging and purging only to become an anorexic… and so much more.

It honestly was a waking moment for me. It just hit me in the middle of the night that I didn’t need to put up with all the bullshit I was dealing with. I no longer had to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders trying like hell to make sure I fit in.

I realized that I didn’t need to care anymore. I didn’t care what my parents thought about my weight. I didn’t care what my boyfriend thought about how I looked without any make up on. The transformation wasn’t easy… but it was worth it.
I just started loving myself from the inside out.

Now, I can happily leave my house with a nappy head, or some silly ass winter hat on in the summer. I don’t always need to have make up on to feel good. I can wear bright green shoes with my blue jeans and red top. I can be a size 2 - ok, never the hell again would I want to be that damn skinny but if I wanted to be, it’s ok. And on the flip side, if I want to a fat butt who sits on my sofa all day, then so be it. Who cares? It’s about me now and I love the hell out of myself… and then some.
Don’t get me wrong though, I still have feelings, and words occasionally do hurt. Like, some ass from stumble did a review on one of my posts and all he said was “I bet this bitch is fat”. For a itty bitty second my feelings were hurt, and then I was like “dude please, you wish you had some of this fat ass”. And that’s how I live today.

I’m so much happier in this skin. If someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to deal with it. They don’t have to be my friend which of course would be their loss. I have unlimited long distance with AT&T just so I can be there whenever someone needs me. Does it get much better than that in the friendship department? Oh, I will tell you when you have food in your teeth or a booger in your nose or if you ass looks fat in those jeans. That’s perfect friendship material right there… Not to mention, I’m loyal.

I wish I could pass my self love and awareness to every woman and child I know but that would be pointless. Part of the joy I feel from being alive each day is being able to look back at the struggles I went through to get where I’m at.

And knowing that never again will someone dictate who Monique Renae is or should be. Ever.